Warning: Judgmental Rant Contained Within

I received a text message last night from a woman with whom I used to be incredibly close.  We used to work together, but she moved away years ago.  She attended my wedding -- stoned on various prescription meds, I think -- and stuck her finger in my wedding cake because she thought it was fake.  Almost every time I hear from her it is to complain about something or ask me for something.  Never is it to say hi or see how my life is going.

She was recently in town visiting .  She came by and met the girls.  She actually said, "I thought something went wrong because I hadn't heard from you."  What?  Whatever.  She kept freaking out if holding one of the girls and they spit up  "What the hell?  Did you just puke on me?"  Yeah...put the baby down and get out.

Eric and I both agreed that she won't be near our kids ever again.

And then, after not hearing from her in a month, she texts to tell me that she's pregnant.  Of course, she doesn't know who the father is since she slept with a few different guys while here and also back home.  Brilliant.

I wasn't going to tell her about Sonne, except that she asked how the girls were doing and I wasn't going to lie.  When I texted her back that Morgen was rolling over and Sonne didn't survive her heart surgery, I also told her I wasn't up to talking.  I just could not deal with her calling and having to console her.

Here is someone who really hasn't been able to handle life for close to a decade and she's sleeping with guys and not mentioning that she's not on the pill and taking a world full of meds to dull her senses and now she's going to be a mother?

And of course it's her right to have kids, but I cannot imagine her being a good parent.  She is so self absorbed and so self destructive.  She's always wanted to be a mom, but wanting to be mom and actually being a mom are such different things.

Who knows...maybe she'll surprise everyone and get her act together and be an amazing parent and raise a wonderful kid.  I hope that will be the case.  Either way, I'm not planning to be around to see it.  I let the boat sail on that friendship a while ago.

I know this is incredibly judgmental of me, but I cannot help it.  We went through so much to conceive and so much with the girls in the NICU and now we are living with this void and it sucks.  It isn't fair.  It isn't right.

To top it all off, we picked up Sonne's ashes today.  There is a tiny urn sitting in front of our hearth waiting for the day when we scatter her over the ocean.  And of course, the funeral home or someone at the city's board of health messed up the name on her death certificate, so now I have to deal with getting that corrected.  It's like every time I try to put part of this behind me it rears up to bite me in the ass one more time.

Sigh....

Anger and Sorrow

I haven't posted here in a long time.  Once the girls were born I started a new blog dedicated to them and it seems that I only wanted to write about them.  The Morgen Sonne Report chronicled their time in the NICU, home and Sonne's time at Children's Hospital.  That blog will soon be retired and I will be writing to each of the girls on their own blogs.

For those who might follow this blog, you probably don't know.  Sonne did not recover after her heart surgery.  (Heart Surgery?  This is where I refer you to the blog about the girls for the details as I don't have it in me to go through it all again.)  She passed away on August 31st, a mere 3 and 1/2 months old.

I am angry.  I am sad.  I am confused.  I am devastated.  Not just for me, but for my husband and especially for Morgen.  She was robbed of her sister.  It isn't fair.

I know...life isn't fair.  But I'm good at stating the obvious.

Today we have Sonne's memorial service.  We are celebrating her short life.  She gave us so much in just over 16 weeks...

So, the Morgen Sonne Report will be retired shortly.  Meine Sonne Schient and Guten Morgen Morgen will replace it.  Those who want to follow letters to Sonne and Morgen are welcome to check those out.

I'm sure I'll be posting here again at some point, but it won't be as regular as it had been last year while going through IVF and pregnancy.