I received a text message last night from a woman with whom I used to be incredibly close. We used to work together, but she moved away years ago. She attended my wedding -- stoned on various prescription meds, I think -- and stuck her finger in my wedding cake because she thought it was fake. Almost every time I hear from her it is to complain about something or ask me for something. Never is it to say hi or see how my life is going.
She was recently in town visiting . She came by and met the girls. She actually said, "I thought something went wrong because I hadn't heard from you." What? Whatever. She kept freaking out if holding one of the girls and they spit up "What the hell? Did you just puke on me?" Yeah...put the baby down and get out.
Eric and I both agreed that she won't be near our kids ever again.
And then, after not hearing from her in a month, she texts to tell me that she's pregnant. Of course, she doesn't know who the father is since she slept with a few different guys while here and also back home. Brilliant.
I wasn't going to tell her about Sonne, except that she asked how the girls were doing and I wasn't going to lie. When I texted her back that Morgen was rolling over and Sonne didn't survive her heart surgery, I also told her I wasn't up to talking. I just could not deal with her calling and having to console her.
Here is someone who really hasn't been able to handle life for close to a decade and she's sleeping with guys and not mentioning that she's not on the pill and taking a world full of meds to dull her senses and now she's going to be a mother?
And of course it's her right to have kids, but I cannot imagine her being a good parent. She is so self absorbed and so self destructive. She's always wanted to be a mom, but wanting to be mom and actually being a mom are such different things.
Who knows...maybe she'll surprise everyone and get her act together and be an amazing parent and raise a wonderful kid. I hope that will be the case. Either way, I'm not planning to be around to see it. I let the boat sail on that friendship a while ago.
I know this is incredibly judgmental of me, but I cannot help it. We went through so much to conceive and so much with the girls in the NICU and now we are living with this void and it sucks. It isn't fair. It isn't right.
To top it all off, we picked up Sonne's ashes today. There is a tiny urn sitting in front of our hearth waiting for the day when we scatter her over the ocean. And of course, the funeral home or someone at the city's board of health messed up the name on her death certificate, so now I have to deal with getting that corrected. It's like every time I try to put part of this behind me it rears up to bite me in the ass one more time.
Sigh....
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Anger and Sorrow
I haven't posted here in a long time. Once the girls were born I started a new blog dedicated to them and it seems that I only wanted to write about them. The Morgen Sonne Report chronicled their time in the NICU, home and Sonne's time at Children's Hospital. That blog will soon be retired and I will be writing to each of the girls on their own blogs.
For those who might follow this blog, you probably don't know. Sonne did not recover after her heart surgery. (Heart Surgery? This is where I refer you to the blog about the girls for the details as I don't have it in me to go through it all again.) She passed away on August 31st, a mere 3 and 1/2 months old.
I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am devastated. Not just for me, but for my husband and especially for Morgen. She was robbed of her sister. It isn't fair.
I know...life isn't fair. But I'm good at stating the obvious.
Today we have Sonne's memorial service. We are celebrating her short life. She gave us so much in just over 16 weeks...
So, the Morgen Sonne Report will be retired shortly. Meine Sonne Schient and Guten Morgen Morgen will replace it. Those who want to follow letters to Sonne and Morgen are welcome to check those out.
I'm sure I'll be posting here again at some point, but it won't be as regular as it had been last year while going through IVF and pregnancy.
For those who might follow this blog, you probably don't know. Sonne did not recover after her heart surgery. (Heart Surgery? This is where I refer you to the blog about the girls for the details as I don't have it in me to go through it all again.) She passed away on August 31st, a mere 3 and 1/2 months old.
I am angry. I am sad. I am confused. I am devastated. Not just for me, but for my husband and especially for Morgen. She was robbed of her sister. It isn't fair.
I know...life isn't fair. But I'm good at stating the obvious.
Today we have Sonne's memorial service. We are celebrating her short life. She gave us so much in just over 16 weeks...
So, the Morgen Sonne Report will be retired shortly. Meine Sonne Schient and Guten Morgen Morgen will replace it. Those who want to follow letters to Sonne and Morgen are welcome to check those out.
I'm sure I'll be posting here again at some point, but it won't be as regular as it had been last year while going through IVF and pregnancy.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Ten Days in the Hospital
It has been a long time since I last posted to this blog. That was due, in part, to my not really having anything new to say about my pregnancy, but also due in part to the pregnancy related numbness in my right hand. I honestly don't believe I've had feeling in the fingers of that hand since about mid-March. Fun stuff.
And the edema just got worse and worse with each passing week. I actually put on 14 pounds in 10 days and completely freaked out. My doctor said I shouldn't worry because the edema weight gain tends to be exponential with multiples. Awesome. So I tried to relax and not worry about it until my next prenatal appointment. That appointment was on Monday May 9th.
I wasn't feeling great when I arrived. I was crazy swollen with the edema and just plain worn out. They were also running late so I sat in the waiting room for a while after arrival. And as any pregnant woman knows, the first thing you do upon arrival is leave a urine sample so they can check for increased protein levels. I took one look at my sample and knew something was wrong.
My check up which showed the babies were fine, but my protei levels were high as was my blood pressure. My doctor was having me admitted to the hospital. This is when I started to cry. It was too early. I was only 31 weeks along. Eric was out of the country working on a film. I got the sense from my OB, however, that the hospitalization would be for 48 hours and, if I didn't deliver during that window, then I would be home on bed rest until the babies arrived.
I was wrong.
I drove home to pack a quick bag and Kristine drove me back to Cedars. I checked in and was brought to room 3005 in the Maternal Fetal Care Unit (MFCU) where I was promptly ushered into a gown, the bed and a hooked up to a whole bunch of monitors. Shortly thereafter a team came in and did a very detailed ultrasound of the babies. Then it was about making me comfortable despite the fetal monitors and BP cuff and IV and crappy magnesium sulfide (sulfate?).
The next morning I was still under the impression that I might go home after 48 hours. That was until Eric called me after speaking to my OB who said the next time I go home I would be a mom. The 48 hour window was critical to getting meds on board to help the babies, but after that, they would be monitoring my vitals and hoping to get any additional time possible before having to deliver. Eric arrived at the hospital at 11pm Tuesday evening and this began our waiting game.
During the next few days I was looked after by a team of doctors and nurses and residents. All were truly amazing and caring and did everything they could to keep me calm, comfortable and prepared for the road ahead - not just for me, but also for the girls since they would be delivered early. Meds were administered, blood was drawn and tests run. Things were okay for the most part until Friday evening. The anxiety of doing nothing finally won over by that evening. I had had enough. I was uncomfortable, the edema was ridiculous and I had actually put on 17 pounds since Monday. It was almost all water weight since they really hadn't been feeding me anything. I was damn close to walking out of the place (even though I could barely walk because of the swelling).
The next morning the head obstetrics came by to say that they were concerned about my BP levels from the previus night, but that they were going to watch and wait since the first reading that morning was acceptable, still high, but acceptable. Eric went to get a cup of coffee and I laid back and closed my eyes. A few minutes later another doctor came in to let me kinow that my lab work came back and, well, my liver enzymes had spiked massively and the various doctors at Cedars conferred amongst themselves and with my OB and they would be delivering the babies ASAP.
Then came the start of the activity flurry as the nurses came in to prep me for the c-section. The magnesium drip was started again and within moments I was on fire from the medication and just feeling awful. An anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and then the OR nurse was in talking to me and the MFCU nurses. Luckily Dr. Kilpatrick (head of OB) saw Eric by the Starbucks and made a beeline over to tell him to get upstairs for the babies's delivery since I hadn't had a chance to call him since the flurry began so quickly.
A few minutes later I was wheeled to the OR, a spinal was administered and my legs turned into numb, lead weights. Drapes were hung, my OB walked in and then Eric and within a few minutes the girls were born at 31 weeks and 5 days (a little over 8 weeks premature).
Morgen - 5/14/11 9:53am 3 lbs 11 oz.
Sonne - 5/14/11 9:54am 2 lbs 10 oz.
The girls and dad headed up to the NICU while I was stitched back together and brought to the PACU recovery room. My OR nurse Jeannie kept telling me that I did a great job keeping those girls in almost an additional week. Eric was back to see me and report on the girls fairly quickly. As I was resting and waiting for the spinal to wear off, he went back up to see the girls and his mom came into sit with me. As soon as I could move my feet and toes it was back to the MFCU for 24 hours since they needed to keep the magnesium drip going and monitor me.
I was finally able to go see them at 8:15pm on Sunday - nearly 35 hours after they were delivered. Those hours were amongst the longest in my life.
Over the course of the next several days the doctors kept adjusting my medications to try and get my BP under control. It finally balanced out on Wednesday and by Thursday I was discharged. Armed with BP medication and ibuprofen for painn we are finally home and have begun to figure out how the next six to eight weeks of our life will look as we start daily commutes to the hospital to see the girls.
Neither of us think it will be easy, but we will figure it out and strike some sort of balance between the hospital and regular life. All we know for sure is that we love each other and will support each other through this, we have an amazing network of family and friends to help us with anything we need, but most important, we are both falling more in love with these girls with every passing moment.
And the edema just got worse and worse with each passing week. I actually put on 14 pounds in 10 days and completely freaked out. My doctor said I shouldn't worry because the edema weight gain tends to be exponential with multiples. Awesome. So I tried to relax and not worry about it until my next prenatal appointment. That appointment was on Monday May 9th.
I wasn't feeling great when I arrived. I was crazy swollen with the edema and just plain worn out. They were also running late so I sat in the waiting room for a while after arrival. And as any pregnant woman knows, the first thing you do upon arrival is leave a urine sample so they can check for increased protein levels. I took one look at my sample and knew something was wrong.
My check up which showed the babies were fine, but my protei levels were high as was my blood pressure. My doctor was having me admitted to the hospital. This is when I started to cry. It was too early. I was only 31 weeks along. Eric was out of the country working on a film. I got the sense from my OB, however, that the hospitalization would be for 48 hours and, if I didn't deliver during that window, then I would be home on bed rest until the babies arrived.
I was wrong.
I drove home to pack a quick bag and Kristine drove me back to Cedars. I checked in and was brought to room 3005 in the Maternal Fetal Care Unit (MFCU) where I was promptly ushered into a gown, the bed and a hooked up to a whole bunch of monitors. Shortly thereafter a team came in and did a very detailed ultrasound of the babies. Then it was about making me comfortable despite the fetal monitors and BP cuff and IV and crappy magnesium sulfide (sulfate?).
The next morning I was still under the impression that I might go home after 48 hours. That was until Eric called me after speaking to my OB who said the next time I go home I would be a mom. The 48 hour window was critical to getting meds on board to help the babies, but after that, they would be monitoring my vitals and hoping to get any additional time possible before having to deliver. Eric arrived at the hospital at 11pm Tuesday evening and this began our waiting game.
During the next few days I was looked after by a team of doctors and nurses and residents. All were truly amazing and caring and did everything they could to keep me calm, comfortable and prepared for the road ahead - not just for me, but also for the girls since they would be delivered early. Meds were administered, blood was drawn and tests run. Things were okay for the most part until Friday evening. The anxiety of doing nothing finally won over by that evening. I had had enough. I was uncomfortable, the edema was ridiculous and I had actually put on 17 pounds since Monday. It was almost all water weight since they really hadn't been feeding me anything. I was damn close to walking out of the place (even though I could barely walk because of the swelling).
The next morning the head obstetrics came by to say that they were concerned about my BP levels from the previus night, but that they were going to watch and wait since the first reading that morning was acceptable, still high, but acceptable. Eric went to get a cup of coffee and I laid back and closed my eyes. A few minutes later another doctor came in to let me kinow that my lab work came back and, well, my liver enzymes had spiked massively and the various doctors at Cedars conferred amongst themselves and with my OB and they would be delivering the babies ASAP.
Then came the start of the activity flurry as the nurses came in to prep me for the c-section. The magnesium drip was started again and within moments I was on fire from the medication and just feeling awful. An anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and then the OR nurse was in talking to me and the MFCU nurses. Luckily Dr. Kilpatrick (head of OB) saw Eric by the Starbucks and made a beeline over to tell him to get upstairs for the babies's delivery since I hadn't had a chance to call him since the flurry began so quickly.
A few minutes later I was wheeled to the OR, a spinal was administered and my legs turned into numb, lead weights. Drapes were hung, my OB walked in and then Eric and within a few minutes the girls were born at 31 weeks and 5 days (a little over 8 weeks premature).
Morgen - 5/14/11 9:53am 3 lbs 11 oz.
Sonne - 5/14/11 9:54am 2 lbs 10 oz.
The girls and dad headed up to the NICU while I was stitched back together and brought to the PACU recovery room. My OR nurse Jeannie kept telling me that I did a great job keeping those girls in almost an additional week. Eric was back to see me and report on the girls fairly quickly. As I was resting and waiting for the spinal to wear off, he went back up to see the girls and his mom came into sit with me. As soon as I could move my feet and toes it was back to the MFCU for 24 hours since they needed to keep the magnesium drip going and monitor me.
I was finally able to go see them at 8:15pm on Sunday - nearly 35 hours after they were delivered. Those hours were amongst the longest in my life.
Over the course of the next several days the doctors kept adjusting my medications to try and get my BP under control. It finally balanced out on Wednesday and by Thursday I was discharged. Armed with BP medication and ibuprofen for painn we are finally home and have begun to figure out how the next six to eight weeks of our life will look as we start daily commutes to the hospital to see the girls.
Neither of us think it will be easy, but we will figure it out and strike some sort of balance between the hospital and regular life. All we know for sure is that we love each other and will support each other through this, we have an amazing network of family and friends to help us with anything we need, but most important, we are both falling more in love with these girls with every passing moment.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Is Posting About Pregnancy TMI?
This morning the TODAY Show ran a piece asking the question if posting to social networks or YouTube about pregnancy is TMI. Apparently the poll on their website, which was specifically directed about announcing a pregnancy via YouTube, showed that 63% of respondents felt that some things should be private.
Obviously, I think people should share whatever they care to share. I myself haven't posted and videos to YouTube about my pregnancy, nor do I plan to, but I'm not a habitual YouTuber (in fact, I rarely even use the search for anything), but I blogged about the IVF process and I've periodically blogged about my pregnancy. I've posted random things to Facebook about my pregnancy as well.
We live in a world where people now share every minute detail of their lives online. We are exhibitionists and voyeurs. The number of wedding dance videos that have been posted is astounding. So many of those people have been celebrated by shows like TODAY and have performed their dance "live on the plaza." Parents post videos of their children and are also lauded on morning shows getting their fifteen minutes of fame for a kid who cries because he's "too little to be governor of New Jersey" or their twins who might be "talking." But a woman posts about her pregnancy and it's considered a bad thing?
I find it interesting what the media will discuss with such a positive spin versus what they question as being "inappropriate."
Kids being kids -- appropriate and adorable and worth showing over and over.
Wedding dances -- appropriate and again work showing over and over ad nauseum.
And the people who post things that are "appropriate" in the media's eyes tend to say, "I didn't think it would become such a sensation." I think that's a load of crap. You don't post to the Internet, whether a Tweet, a Facebook post, a YouTube video or a blog, and claim you didn't think people would see it or react. You're asking for an audience. You're asking for a reaction.
Why pregnancy is considered to be something which should remain private amazes me. Normal people talking about their journeys is important and it is in stark contrast to the stories shows like TODAY run about pregnancy. We hear about the Duggard family which has something like 19 children and now also have at least one grandchild. We are bombarded by stories about the Octomom, but call posting about cravings, swollen feet and ankles (very normal pregnancy symptoms) "too much information"? Why are we fascinated by extremes and not by the simplistic beauty of a natural process?
I had no idea what pregnancy would be like and while the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy has lots of great information, it's very technical. It doesn't address how it really feels to be pregnant and it is AMAZING. I am astounded by what the human body can do. Mine has undergone so many changes and I'm not sure I can even explain what it has been like. I have back aches, my feet and ankles swell up during the day, I'm hungry constantly, but have no cravings and every time I feel the girls move, I melt. I am completely in love with these two lives growing inside of me.
And yes, I have posted brief comments about the aches and pains to Facebook and have received a litany of responses from people with concerns and advice and have had to remind myself that you don't post to Facebook if you don't want someone to comment (this goes for everything, not just pregnancy). You see, every pregnancy is different and what is normal for one person might be completely foreign to another.
Another reason why women sharing their experiences with one another is a beautiful thing and vilifying them for doing such seems just silly to me.
Obviously, I think people should share whatever they care to share. I myself haven't posted and videos to YouTube about my pregnancy, nor do I plan to, but I'm not a habitual YouTuber (in fact, I rarely even use the search for anything), but I blogged about the IVF process and I've periodically blogged about my pregnancy. I've posted random things to Facebook about my pregnancy as well.
We live in a world where people now share every minute detail of their lives online. We are exhibitionists and voyeurs. The number of wedding dance videos that have been posted is astounding. So many of those people have been celebrated by shows like TODAY and have performed their dance "live on the plaza." Parents post videos of their children and are also lauded on morning shows getting their fifteen minutes of fame for a kid who cries because he's "too little to be governor of New Jersey" or their twins who might be "talking." But a woman posts about her pregnancy and it's considered a bad thing?
I find it interesting what the media will discuss with such a positive spin versus what they question as being "inappropriate."
Kids being kids -- appropriate and adorable and worth showing over and over.
Wedding dances -- appropriate and again work showing over and over ad nauseum.
And the people who post things that are "appropriate" in the media's eyes tend to say, "I didn't think it would become such a sensation." I think that's a load of crap. You don't post to the Internet, whether a Tweet, a Facebook post, a YouTube video or a blog, and claim you didn't think people would see it or react. You're asking for an audience. You're asking for a reaction.
Why pregnancy is considered to be something which should remain private amazes me. Normal people talking about their journeys is important and it is in stark contrast to the stories shows like TODAY run about pregnancy. We hear about the Duggard family which has something like 19 children and now also have at least one grandchild. We are bombarded by stories about the Octomom, but call posting about cravings, swollen feet and ankles (very normal pregnancy symptoms) "too much information"? Why are we fascinated by extremes and not by the simplistic beauty of a natural process?
I had no idea what pregnancy would be like and while the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy has lots of great information, it's very technical. It doesn't address how it really feels to be pregnant and it is AMAZING. I am astounded by what the human body can do. Mine has undergone so many changes and I'm not sure I can even explain what it has been like. I have back aches, my feet and ankles swell up during the day, I'm hungry constantly, but have no cravings and every time I feel the girls move, I melt. I am completely in love with these two lives growing inside of me.
And yes, I have posted brief comments about the aches and pains to Facebook and have received a litany of responses from people with concerns and advice and have had to remind myself that you don't post to Facebook if you don't want someone to comment (this goes for everything, not just pregnancy). You see, every pregnancy is different and what is normal for one person might be completely foreign to another.
Another reason why women sharing their experiences with one another is a beautiful thing and vilifying them for doing such seems just silly to me.
Monday, March 21, 2011
A Swift Kick
Oh how I've been aching to feel the girls moving around.
I have a coworker who is about a week behind me in her pregnancy and she's been feeling her baby moving around for what seems like weeks now. Sure, she's smaller than I am, but I've got two in there.
Anyhow...there were a few small gurgles of movement early last week, but nothing I could really pinpoint as being the girls. And then Eric headed off to Toronto to work on a movie and more discernible tippy taps started. It's as if they realized that their dad wasn't there and wanted to make sure I knew they knew.
You see, Eric tends to talk to my belly before bed every night and Wednesday night was the first night he wasn't here to do that. I think they noticed.
And every day since I've been noticing more and more movement. Tip tap here, tip tap there. And then this morning while I was laying in bed with my hands on my belly -- kick! One of the girls gave a good swift kick and actually moved my hand a bit. :D
JOY!
It's made being a bit under the weather with a cold a little more bearable. I've spent the better part of the day in bed and enjoying the tippy taps.
Now if only I had a Butterfinger...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stress...
With Eric about to head off to Toronto to produce a movie, every day feels like another rush to get "everything" done. Whether it be moving furniture around to convert the office into the nursery or cleaning out old files or trying to find space in the storage area for all the things we want/need to keep, but won't have room for in the house once the girls arrive -- it feels like a never ending battle.
Add to those things, the need to arrange for child care and, well, that pretty much meant that I would lose it and spend a good 30 minutes crying in bed Sunday afternoon (stupid hormones).
We looked into day care options. Besides all charging a minimum of $300 per child per week, all have at least a one to three year waiting list which begs the question -- why offer day care service for infants at all? Plus, at that price, it just isn't affordable. Of course, equally unaffordable would be for one of us to give up our job.
Local nanny agencies are just as expensive, if not more so with some quoting $500 - $1,000 per week depending on the age and number of children. Egads!
How does anyone afford child care?
We've settled on getting a live in au pair. We're using the agency my sister's family used which is far more affordable since their fees are on a per family, not per child, basis. But even so, it's going to be extremely tight financially.
I had so hoped to be able to get money back into our savings which were severely dwindled due to the costs of the IVF attempts, but it looks like any savings I had hoped to achieve are already spent.
We're trying to figure out our financial plan for the immediate future, as well as plan for the girls' educations. We've been meeting with an advisor at our bank and, while things seem doable, the costs of child care weren't factored into the mix.
It feels like two steps forward and one step back and it makes my brain hurt.
I'm already trying to figure out what we can do without.
Our cleaning lady? We hired her back after the IVF was successful and I was allowed very limited activity. And as nice as it is to come home to a clean house twice a week, she's history. We'll keep her through the pregnancy since I don't have the energy that I used to, but once the girls are born...adios.
We're going to have to take a serious look at our budget and figure out where we can cut back. We don't live a super extravagant lifestyle, but I'm sure there are some luxuries we can cut back on. Going out to eat? Yup...we'll be doing that less. DirecTV? I'm sure we can cut back on some of our programming.
I guess the moral of the story is priorities change and we're certainly ready for things to change.
Add to those things, the need to arrange for child care and, well, that pretty much meant that I would lose it and spend a good 30 minutes crying in bed Sunday afternoon (stupid hormones).
We looked into day care options. Besides all charging a minimum of $300 per child per week, all have at least a one to three year waiting list which begs the question -- why offer day care service for infants at all? Plus, at that price, it just isn't affordable. Of course, equally unaffordable would be for one of us to give up our job.
Local nanny agencies are just as expensive, if not more so with some quoting $500 - $1,000 per week depending on the age and number of children. Egads!
How does anyone afford child care?
We've settled on getting a live in au pair. We're using the agency my sister's family used which is far more affordable since their fees are on a per family, not per child, basis. But even so, it's going to be extremely tight financially.
I had so hoped to be able to get money back into our savings which were severely dwindled due to the costs of the IVF attempts, but it looks like any savings I had hoped to achieve are already spent.
We're trying to figure out our financial plan for the immediate future, as well as plan for the girls' educations. We've been meeting with an advisor at our bank and, while things seem doable, the costs of child care weren't factored into the mix.
It feels like two steps forward and one step back and it makes my brain hurt.
I'm already trying to figure out what we can do without.
Our cleaning lady? We hired her back after the IVF was successful and I was allowed very limited activity. And as nice as it is to come home to a clean house twice a week, she's history. We'll keep her through the pregnancy since I don't have the energy that I used to, but once the girls are born...adios.
We're going to have to take a serious look at our budget and figure out where we can cut back. We don't live a super extravagant lifestyle, but I'm sure there are some luxuries we can cut back on. Going out to eat? Yup...we'll be doing that less. DirecTV? I'm sure we can cut back on some of our programming.
I guess the moral of the story is priorities change and we're certainly ready for things to change.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Ah the Subconscious Mind
I'm sure anxiety laden dreams are to be expected from time to time, but the dream I woke from this morning took things to a whole new level.
I woke up crying and having a hard time catching my breath. Thankfully Eric decided to read in bed rather than brave the rain and head to the gym. I'm not sure I would have recovered as quickly had I been alone.
The dream started off fine, in fact, it had the potential to be a great sex dream (yeah, I've had a few lately). Eric and I were in a hotel room. Everything was white. White sheets, white carpeting, white furniture. I was even wearing a cute little white nightie. I left the bed and went into the bathroom. The tile in there was a gleaming white, almost as if it were glowing. And then I noticed it. Blood. So much blood. I was bleeding. I was losing the babies.
I started to cry in my dream and Eric was there as I started to wake up to put his arms around me and remind me it was only a dream. He put his hands on my belly and said that the girls were in there and they were staying out for a while yet. Of course, I said, "Girls, now would be a great time to move enough so I can feel you." They didn't comply with my request, but hours later, I've moved beyond the initial upset.
I'm not sure what had my subconscious worrying about the pregnancy, but given all we went through to get to this point, I don't think such a dream is so hard to understand.
Of course, it might also be the girls trying to tell me that scrambled eggs, a California roll with eel and then vanilla ice cream aren't what they'd like to eat before bed. I think tonight I'll go with a simple pasta just to be on the safe side.
I woke up crying and having a hard time catching my breath. Thankfully Eric decided to read in bed rather than brave the rain and head to the gym. I'm not sure I would have recovered as quickly had I been alone.
The dream started off fine, in fact, it had the potential to be a great sex dream (yeah, I've had a few lately). Eric and I were in a hotel room. Everything was white. White sheets, white carpeting, white furniture. I was even wearing a cute little white nightie. I left the bed and went into the bathroom. The tile in there was a gleaming white, almost as if it were glowing. And then I noticed it. Blood. So much blood. I was bleeding. I was losing the babies.
I started to cry in my dream and Eric was there as I started to wake up to put his arms around me and remind me it was only a dream. He put his hands on my belly and said that the girls were in there and they were staying out for a while yet. Of course, I said, "Girls, now would be a great time to move enough so I can feel you." They didn't comply with my request, but hours later, I've moved beyond the initial upset.
I'm not sure what had my subconscious worrying about the pregnancy, but given all we went through to get to this point, I don't think such a dream is so hard to understand.
Of course, it might also be the girls trying to tell me that scrambled eggs, a California roll with eel and then vanilla ice cream aren't what they'd like to eat before bed. I think tonight I'll go with a simple pasta just to be on the safe side.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
16 Weeks
It's to be expected that my belly "baby bump" is noticeable at this point. The fact that it's more evident than those of my two coworkers who are also expecting is a bit nutty to me. I know, I know. I'm carrying twins. Still...it's a bit crazy -- especially since one woman is four weeks further along than me.
We had another check up today. The girls are growing nicely. Both are healthy. My OB is pleased to see that. Baby A appears to be on top of Baby B. In fact, as we looked at the ultrasound images, you could see Baby B's legs almost straddling Baby A's head, her litle legs moving all around as if trying to get some more room. At this rate the poor kid is going to come out bow-legged.
And again we heard their heartbeats. That sound still brings an indescribable joy to my heart.
Those are our girls.
I cannot wait to start feeling them move. I'm told it will likely be another three or four weeks, even with twins. Typically feeling movement before week 20 is something that only really happens if you've carried a baby before. Basically you know what it feels like so you are more readily able to notice it earlier on in subsequent pregnancies. Ah yes...even in utero these girls are teaching me about patience.
All in all, everything is going fine. My hips and back are a bit sore but I've started practicing prenatal yoga and that helps. If I could just figure out how to sleep more comfortably on my side I'd be home free. Lol. Ah well, five minutes after the girls are born the aches and pains will be forgotten.
And in two weeks we'll get to see the girls and hear their heartbeats again. Pure joy.
We had another check up today. The girls are growing nicely. Both are healthy. My OB is pleased to see that. Baby A appears to be on top of Baby B. In fact, as we looked at the ultrasound images, you could see Baby B's legs almost straddling Baby A's head, her litle legs moving all around as if trying to get some more room. At this rate the poor kid is going to come out bow-legged.
And again we heard their heartbeats. That sound still brings an indescribable joy to my heart.
Those are our girls.
I cannot wait to start feeling them move. I'm told it will likely be another three or four weeks, even with twins. Typically feeling movement before week 20 is something that only really happens if you've carried a baby before. Basically you know what it feels like so you are more readily able to notice it earlier on in subsequent pregnancies. Ah yes...even in utero these girls are teaching me about patience.
All in all, everything is going fine. My hips and back are a bit sore but I've started practicing prenatal yoga and that helps. If I could just figure out how to sleep more comfortably on my side I'd be home free. Lol. Ah well, five minutes after the girls are born the aches and pains will be forgotten.
And in two weeks we'll get to see the girls and hear their heartbeats again. Pure joy.
16 Weeks
It's to be expected that my belly "baby bump" is noticeable at this point. The fact that it's more evident than those of my two coworkers who are also expecting is a bit nutty to me. I know, I know. I'm carrying twins. Still...it's a bit crazy -- especially since one woman it four weeks further along than me.
We had another check up today. The girls are growing nicely. Both are healthy. My OB is pleased to see that. Baby A appears to be on top of Baby B. In fact, as we looked at the ultrasound images, you could see Baby B's legs almost straddling Baby A's head, her litle legs moving all around as if trying to get some more room. At this rate the poor kid is going to come out bow-legged.
And again we heard their heartbeats. That sound still brings an indescribable joy to my heart. Those are our girls.
I cannot wait to start feeling them move. I'm told it will likely be another three or four weeks, even with twins. Typically feeling movement before week 20 is something that only really happens if you've carried a baby before. Basically you know what it feels like so you are more readily able to notice it earlier on in subsequent pregnancies. Ah yes...even in utero these girls are teaching me about patience.
All in all, everything is going fine. My hips and back are a bit sore but I've started practicing prenatal yoga and that helps. If I could just figure out how to sleep more comfortably on my side I'd be home free. Lol.
Ah well, five minutes after the girls are born the aches and pains will be forgotten.
And in two weeks we'll get to see the girls and hear their heartbeats again. Pure joy.
We had another check up today. The girls are growing nicely. Both are healthy. My OB is pleased to see that. Baby A appears to be on top of Baby B. In fact, as we looked at the ultrasound images, you could see Baby B's legs almost straddling Baby A's head, her litle legs moving all around as if trying to get some more room. At this rate the poor kid is going to come out bow-legged.
And again we heard their heartbeats. That sound still brings an indescribable joy to my heart. Those are our girls.
I cannot wait to start feeling them move. I'm told it will likely be another three or four weeks, even with twins. Typically feeling movement before week 20 is something that only really happens if you've carried a baby before. Basically you know what it feels like so you are more readily able to notice it earlier on in subsequent pregnancies. Ah yes...even in utero these girls are teaching me about patience.
All in all, everything is going fine. My hips and back are a bit sore but I've started practicing prenatal yoga and that helps. If I could just figure out how to sleep more comfortably on my side I'd be home free. Lol.
Ah well, five minutes after the girls are born the aches and pains will be forgotten.
And in two weeks we'll get to see the girls and hear their heartbeats again. Pure joy.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Happiness, Joy and Exhaustion
2011 is going to be a big year. Big changes are in store for us, our family, our lifestyle. These are big changes we are very much looking forward to.
On Monday we were at the OB for the nuchal fold measurements. This is a measurement of the space at the back of the neck which, along with blood work, determine the risk of Down Syndrome in a fetus. At 37 (and then only days away from 38), the baseline risk was 1 in 150 or so. Still less than 1%, but something to be mindful of. Just before starting the doctor explained that it could take anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes to take the measurements -- it all depends on whether the girls are in profile or not.
Needless to say, both were facing us and it took a few minutes (maybe five total) to get them each to turn and stay in profile long enough to take the measurements. Baby Girl A took the most coaxing which included moving of the ultrasound wand and the occasional jostling of my abdomen. I barely felt the movement, but on the ultrasound monitor it looked like they were being bounced around a lot. I don't think Eric like that very much (he's already the protective father). Baby Girl B turned with a slight tap to my belly and stayed put nicely at which point the doctor proclaimed that she would be going to Harvard.
The measurements were called into the lab that processed the blood work and we learned that our risk went from 1 in 150 to 1 in 1,300. We were thrilled to hear it and, based on those results, have decided to not do an amnio, a decision with which the doctor concurred.
Such great news to start the second trimester! Top that off with the nausea being pretty much in my past and my energy level starting to come back, I'd say we were off to a great year.
On Wednesday I turned 38. I had a great day. I got so many phone calls, Facebook posts and hugs from my coworkers I was over the moon.
Around 3:30pm I started feeling really tired. I probably should have shut my office door and taken a nap, but I had a meeting and figured I would be able to leave work a little early to nap at home before Eric took me out for my birthday dinner. Alas, the meeting ran a hour longer than it was supposed to, so I was unable to nap.
By the time we got to dinner, I was feeling pretty run down, but I was really excited to try this restaurant. Firenze Osteria in Studio City. It's owned by Top Chef's Fabio. Every I know who has eaten there has loved it. We walked in and I was immediately hit with a wall of aromas. They have an open kitchen and all those smells were permeating the air in the restaurant.
I thought I would be okay, but we were seated no more than five or ten minutes before I completely decompensated. Tears started running down my cheeks and we decided to go home. I went outside to get some cool, fresh air and Eric settled the check for the Pelligrino I was drinking and the martini that he ordered (even though it hadn't arrived). (Incidentally, they told Eric to leave and take care of me and not worry about the check. Very nice of them as they certainly could have asked him to pay for the drinks.)
Eric came out, retrieved the car from the valet and we headed home where I promptly put on my pajamas and laid on the couch with the dogs. Eric ended up running out and picked up McDonald's for dinner. We don't eat there very often, but sometimes when you're feeling completely run down, you just need a Happy Meal. We started watching the new "Karate Kid" movie (Jaden Smith is great) and went to bed without finishing it.
As I get ready for bed, I prepared to give myself my Lovenox injection. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't get the needle to go into my skin. I ended up collapsing hysterical on the bathroom floor. Eric came over and took the syringe from me and placed it next to the sink and then he sat behind me and wrapped his arms around me and just told me it would be okay. It took a couple more tries, but I did manage to get the injection done.
Thursday morning I was feeling awful. I was exhausted and completely emotionally worn out from the night before. I felt like I had ruined my own birthday plans. To top it off, I was feeling a bit sick from all the crying and, quite frankly, snot I'm sure I swallowed in my sleep. I ended up going to work for a half day and spent the afternoon asleep on the couch.
I liken the experience to a child who is overstimulated and can't fall asleep who then ends up unable to stop crying. I know my energy isn't what it used to be, but it never occurred to me that spending time socializing with people would knock me for such a loop.
One of the attorneys I work with reminded me today "You're living for three. You need to take it easy because it takes a lot out of you."
Today is a much better day. Work has been quiet so I've been able to get caught up on things and I'm probably going to leave a little early so I can be sure that I'm back to 100%.
One things I've learned -- it's time to really start listening to my body.
On Monday we were at the OB for the nuchal fold measurements. This is a measurement of the space at the back of the neck which, along with blood work, determine the risk of Down Syndrome in a fetus. At 37 (and then only days away from 38), the baseline risk was 1 in 150 or so. Still less than 1%, but something to be mindful of. Just before starting the doctor explained that it could take anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes to take the measurements -- it all depends on whether the girls are in profile or not.
Needless to say, both were facing us and it took a few minutes (maybe five total) to get them each to turn and stay in profile long enough to take the measurements. Baby Girl A took the most coaxing which included moving of the ultrasound wand and the occasional jostling of my abdomen. I barely felt the movement, but on the ultrasound monitor it looked like they were being bounced around a lot. I don't think Eric like that very much (he's already the protective father). Baby Girl B turned with a slight tap to my belly and stayed put nicely at which point the doctor proclaimed that she would be going to Harvard.
The measurements were called into the lab that processed the blood work and we learned that our risk went from 1 in 150 to 1 in 1,300. We were thrilled to hear it and, based on those results, have decided to not do an amnio, a decision with which the doctor concurred.
Such great news to start the second trimester! Top that off with the nausea being pretty much in my past and my energy level starting to come back, I'd say we were off to a great year.
On Wednesday I turned 38. I had a great day. I got so many phone calls, Facebook posts and hugs from my coworkers I was over the moon.
Around 3:30pm I started feeling really tired. I probably should have shut my office door and taken a nap, but I had a meeting and figured I would be able to leave work a little early to nap at home before Eric took me out for my birthday dinner. Alas, the meeting ran a hour longer than it was supposed to, so I was unable to nap.
By the time we got to dinner, I was feeling pretty run down, but I was really excited to try this restaurant. Firenze Osteria in Studio City. It's owned by Top Chef's Fabio. Every I know who has eaten there has loved it. We walked in and I was immediately hit with a wall of aromas. They have an open kitchen and all those smells were permeating the air in the restaurant.
I thought I would be okay, but we were seated no more than five or ten minutes before I completely decompensated. Tears started running down my cheeks and we decided to go home. I went outside to get some cool, fresh air and Eric settled the check for the Pelligrino I was drinking and the martini that he ordered (even though it hadn't arrived). (Incidentally, they told Eric to leave and take care of me and not worry about the check. Very nice of them as they certainly could have asked him to pay for the drinks.)
Eric came out, retrieved the car from the valet and we headed home where I promptly put on my pajamas and laid on the couch with the dogs. Eric ended up running out and picked up McDonald's for dinner. We don't eat there very often, but sometimes when you're feeling completely run down, you just need a Happy Meal. We started watching the new "Karate Kid" movie (Jaden Smith is great) and went to bed without finishing it.
As I get ready for bed, I prepared to give myself my Lovenox injection. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't get the needle to go into my skin. I ended up collapsing hysterical on the bathroom floor. Eric came over and took the syringe from me and placed it next to the sink and then he sat behind me and wrapped his arms around me and just told me it would be okay. It took a couple more tries, but I did manage to get the injection done.
Thursday morning I was feeling awful. I was exhausted and completely emotionally worn out from the night before. I felt like I had ruined my own birthday plans. To top it off, I was feeling a bit sick from all the crying and, quite frankly, snot I'm sure I swallowed in my sleep. I ended up going to work for a half day and spent the afternoon asleep on the couch.
I liken the experience to a child who is overstimulated and can't fall asleep who then ends up unable to stop crying. I know my energy isn't what it used to be, but it never occurred to me that spending time socializing with people would knock me for such a loop.
One of the attorneys I work with reminded me today "You're living for three. You need to take it easy because it takes a lot out of you."
Today is a much better day. Work has been quiet so I've been able to get caught up on things and I'm probably going to leave a little early so I can be sure that I'm back to 100%.
One things I've learned -- it's time to really start listening to my body.
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