I Am Not Super Mom

Mothering is not a competition.

I feel the need to state this in a clear, concise manner.  I know this to be the case.  We all, as mothers, as parents, do what we feel is best for our respective children.

And yet I feel like my mothering is being co-opted by another first time mom.  It’s silly really, but I have to mention this.

This other mom and I were speaking the other day.  She asked if Morgen was eating solid foods yet.  I said she was and told her a few of Miss M’s favorites.  I also admitted that she hasn’t had more variety since I’m making her food and haven’t been able to set aside more time to prep more types of food.

This other mom proceeds to call me “Super Mom” and say sheepishly that she’s buying an organic baby food for her little one.  I say that’s totally fine.  We all only have so many hours in the day.

So, later that evening she posts a picture on Facebook of the baby food she made with the caption “Success! Guess who's trying squash for the 1st time tomorrow? My how life has changed...I spend my friday nights making babyfood now.”  I’m glad she received so many “likes” and comments of “ur a good mommy” (I also like how it sounds like this is what she has been doing with her Friday nights for months now).

Should I care?  Not at all, but I can’t help but feel like she felt one-upped by me so now she’s making her son’s baby food.  You have to understand, it was this way during our pregnancies and after the kids were born.  She has actually made a few comments since Sonne’s passing that were really thoughtless and suggested that being a mom of one is harder than I realize since I had twins.  Yes…she basically suggested that if I only ever had Morgen, I would think she was difficult.  (And Morgen is a VERY easy baby, although compared to Sonne she is a needy kiddo.)

Perhaps I’m misreading her photo post.  Perhaps I inspired her.  After all, by her own admission, I’m “Super Mom”!  I’ve survived the death of one of my girls and am carrying on to care for the other.  I’m following through with those things we decided we wanted to do for our children when I was carrying them.  I must be that fantastic! (Yes…I type that with every ounce of sarcasm my fingertips can elicit.)

We are still cloth diapering our daughter.  Most people scoffed at that thought – “Let’s see how long you keep that up – especially with twins.”  We are making her baby food using a steamer and a blender – “You really need one of those baby food makers if you’re going to make enough food for two.”

Mind you, there are days when I cannot even imagine the having energy to care for twins.  Days when I am exhausted from work and an evening of little sleep and I have no choice but to do it all again because Eric is on location.  Those days when I’m just running on empty.  Those days when taking care of Morgen feels like more than I can handle.  I have no idea how single moms handle it all day after day.  I commend them.

And yet, had Sonne survived her surgery, I wouldn’t know any better.  I would be happily exhausted.  I would be cloth diapering my girls and making even more baby food on the weekends to fuel their ever growing little bodies and minds.

Had Sonne survived, perhaps I would accept the moniker of “Super Mom.”

Perception Is Everything

My eyes were opened this weekend and I feel like I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now.

I went to visit a friend in the hospital.  He suffered a head injury a little over two months ago while riding his bike and is on the long, slow road to recovery.

While I was visiting with him and his wife, he had a physical therapy session.  With the aid of a lift, he was able to stand up.  I don't think one truly appreciates the effort it takes to stand up or to hold up one's own head.  The therapists worked with him for a solid five or ten minutes.  By the end he was exhausted.  They helped him back into bed and, though he was a sleep a few minutes later, he did motion to his wife to come close and once within reach, he pulled her to him.  That moment was the best.

The strength and fortitude exhibited by my friend and his wife are inspiring. While I can understand a small piece of their journey (the one dealing with the bullshit between hospitals and insurance companies), I cannot begin to comprehend having to relearn the basics. I cannot comprehend wondering if things will ever get completely back to normal.


I found myself thinking about Morgen and her learning how to sit up, crawl, grasp things, etc.  I even remember her and Sonne learning how to nurse in the NICU.  How much work goes into learning what become simply, everyday tasks which we, as adults take for granted.


I did something to my back last night -- most likely while trying to get the dogs inside during a 2:00am barking fit.  I kicked the dog beds out of the way and pushed the trunk in front of the dog door to keep them inside.  I'm sure in the process I wasn't paying attention and tweaked my back.  As the day has progressed, the tightness has increased and the knots have become more pronounced.  I put on a patch prescribed for pain relief and to reduce inflammation.  I took some ibuprofen. 

I have little to no relief and find it incredibly difficult to move and yet I am so grateful.  I am still able to move.  This pain will subside and I'll be back to full mobility in a few days.  I am lucky.

Yes.  I am a fortunate woman and I am going to try harder to not take the simple things for granted.

Despite the back pain, I'm going to hug my daughter a little tighter, a little longer.  I'm going to throw my arms around her father the moment he gets home on Saturday.  I'm going to tell people that I love and appreciate them more often.  I'm going to strive to always come from a place of gratitude and compassion.

Namaste.

A Numbers Game

Today isn't my best day.  I just have to accept that. 

On the one hand, I had a great weekend celebrating my 39th birthday with my mom and sister.  They flew in to surprise me which was wonderful.  On the other hand, as I tried to fall back to sleep after they left at 5:30 this morning, I felt so lonely. 

I miss Eric.  He'll be home in two weeks.  That time will pass quickly.

I miss Sonne.  I can't bring her back.  I so miss the challenge of taking care of both her and Morgen.  It's gotten to a point now that I cannot really comprehend what having twins would be like now.  That makes me sad.  Just having the one baby is the new normal.  It's has its own challenges, but it isn't the same.  And while Morgen is amazing and taking care of her is so fulfilling, there is still this emptiness.

Something is missing.

I'm trying to stay focused on positive things.  It's hard when I hear so many complaining.

I didn't do well this weekend with not eating refined sugars.  So, my resolve to not eat any for one month has an extra week tacked on for good measure. 

On the upside, I'm making good progress in physical therapy.  The strength in my ankle is almost back to 100% (only a slight weakness through the big toe flexion) and the range of motion is markedly improved, although there is still a ways to go.  Four more weeks of PT recommended.

I need to figure out my budget better.  My expenses were way higher than I planned due to the NICU bills (some of which are still coming in).  I need to figure out how to pay those and how to get money back into savings.

I need to figure out how to take better care of myself so these funks don't throw me for such a curve.  Maybe I just need a good night sleep tonight and all will be right as rain tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to the gym regularly once Eric gets back to town.  I need those couple of hours each week to decompress, focus, and re-energize.

Sigh....I wish I knew what came next so I could get prepared and not feel like everything that's currently bringing me down will be compounded.