Ugh...

Nausea.  I've become all too acquainted with it as of late.  My doctor is happy that I'm feeling it and people say it's a great sign, but man...I could use a break from it.

All week I've been battling it.  And it's not just morning sickness.  Nope.  For me it starts about 10am and continues to gnaw at me until 7pm or so.

Add to that the fatigue and wow!  I'm either feeling sick or napping.

I did get these great acupressure bracelets called Psi Bands.  Found them on Amazon.com.  They seem to be working wonders, although I'm not 100% woozy-free.  I can only imagine where I'd be without them.  And for all I know it's all in my head, but either way, I'll take any relief I can get.

So, I've been taking it really easy.  Even though we had dinner plans three nights in a row over the holiday, I managed to rest most of each day.  Still, I spent almost the entire day Saturday sleeping on the couch.  Even today I was up for about two hours and then I napped for 30 minutes, was up for maybe two hours and then napped again for close to two hours and then spent the rest of the day quietly on the couch.

All of which leads to my giving up my ticket to a concert tomorrow night.  And it's not just any concert.  I purchased our tickets six months ago.  Roger Waters The Wall Live.  We have been looking forward to this concert for a long time now and as it has crept up and is now just 24 hours away, the anticipation is palpable.  I've told Eric that he should still go.  I wouldn't want us to both miss out.  I just know how wiped out I am lately and can't imagine making it through the show tomorrow after a day at the office.  Luckily it wasn't hard to find a friend to take my spot.  I know they'll have a great time.  Oh well...so much for it being the girls's first concert in utero.

And with that...it's almost 7:30pm.  I think I might take my meds and head to bed to read for a little bit before falling asleep...again.

Gratitude

I am a fortunate woman.  I have a wonderful husband, two slightly insane dogs, a home, a car, a career.  We have an amazingly supportive family and a phenomenal group of friends.

We were at Eric's boss's last night for Thanksgiving dinner.  One of the other guests asked us all to say what we were thankful for.  Everyone has very lovely and heart felt things to say.  Eric said so many lovely things about me during his turn and I immediately followed it up with a bit of a joke saying, "I'm thankful that I handled all the hormone shots well and didn't drive Eric away during this process."

What can I say?  I felt really self-conscious.  I didn't really know anyone there except Eric.  I've broken bread with a few of them on other occasions, but I don't feel all that comfortable around them.  Certainly not enough to be that open or vulnerable.  And after how loving and thoughtful Eric had just been in my direction, I was at a bit of a loss for words.

Tonight we're having dinner at one of my friend's homes.  Who knows if the situation will repeat itself and, if it does, who knows if I'll behave any differently.

All that said, I'm so very grateful for all that I have and all that is to come.  There are lots of changes coming and endless uncertainty in our future.  There are two little lives to care for coming next year and I'm already making their well being my number one priority.

The ultrasound the other day showed them again.  Growing nicely with good strong heartbeats.  The only thing of some concern is a small around of blood next to one of the gestational sacs.  It had been there the previous week and has about doubled in size.  Still, it's very small and the doctor doesn't want us to worry about it.  So, I'm taking it easy.  Napping and taking things slow and willing my body to stop the bleed and reabsorb the fluid.  Depending on how it looks next week, I might be sent to see a high risk OB to discuss what to do next.  I would really rather not have to do that, so hopefully my body will listen and correct itself.

Worrying about it certainly won't help.  So instead I will continue to be grateful and appreciate all the wonderful people in my life and look forward to meeting two more very important people next summer.

Six Weeks

It's still very early.  We know this, but it's hard not getting ahead of ourselves and thinking about names and needing a bigger house in a better public school district.  How are we going to manage travelling for a wedding when the babies are only four or five weeks old?  How much time am I going to take for maternity leave?  Do they make saddles for dogs to carry babies around on?

Yesterday we were in for our first OB ultrasound.  Most expectant mothers don't have an ultrasound this early on, but given how I came to be pregnant, we get to see what's going on a few weeks earlier than most.  The doctor came in and said "I'm so happy to see you guys in this room!"  We were pretty happy to be there too.  And then, moments later, we're looking at the monitor on the wall and he's pointing out the yolk sac and heartbeat of our growing baby. 

I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of awe looking at the little pixel fluttering on the monitor. That's a heartbeat. Wow! Eric jumped up from the chair beside me and got up close to the monitor. I swear he would have hugged it if he could. All I could do was smile.

And then the view was adjusted a bit and the doctor is pointing out the yolk sac and heartbeat of our other growing baby.

Eric choked up and put his hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm not one to say this very often, but I told you so."  You see, he had a feeling all along that two embryos implanted.  I didn't really have a sense of one or two and hadn't really thought too much about it.  All I really knew was that I didn't want all three to implant because I didn't want to undergo the selective reduction procedure.  I didn't want another surgery and I didn't want to choose.  Thankfully, we don't have to think about that anymore.

My activity level is still very restricted for now.  I'm in for weekly ultrasounds, blood work and blood pressure and weight checks for at least the next four weeks.  Assuming everything looks good, I'll be released to my OB after week 10.  Already the various hormones I've been on are starting to be reduced which makes me very happy.

Eric was more emotional than I was at the doctor's office.  He's a softie and I love that about him.  I just kept beaming a smile all day.  It's amazing to have all the stress and frustration of the past year and a half of trying to be replaced with the joy and excitement of finally expecting a baby -- babies! -- to arrive mid-2011.  Of course, when I got home I had a few teary moments of pure happiness.

The doctor cautioned us to not tell anyone that I'm pregnant or that we're expecting twins.  Like I said, it's still very early in the pregnancy and things could still change, but we're just not very good at keeping things to ourselves.  (Although we're not telling the doctor that we've told anyone, so don't anyone get any funny ideas.)

Thoughts...

I wouldn't call it a backlash, per se, but we've been met with some skepticism about being so open about the IVF process.  I understand peoples' surprise, but at the same time, talking about this, blogging about this...it is what has kept me sane.

I've always been one to internalize things.  It is a habit which started as a shy and insecure kid and still happens as a successful and confident adult.  There are just some things which are better kept to one's self.

But not this.  Not being able to conceive on our own has loaded us both with so much stress.  Of course, studies have shown that stress can effect our hormones and actually be a cause of infertility.  So, in order to contend with that stress, we decided to be open about the process.  Not just with our family, but also with our friends and colleagues.  And when I started writing this blog, it was my husband who encouraged me to share it to Twitter and Facebook.

Here's the reality -- so many couples wait until they are older to start thinking about starting a family.  The older we get, the harder it is to get pregnant.  It's just a fact.  We have a number of friends who are our age who are trying to conceive as well.  We wanted to make sure people knew there were options.  We wanted our experiences to be available to them, even if they didn't want to ask us directly.

One of the best things for us is having a very close couple give us the benefit of their experience five years ago.  Having my girlfriend's shoulder to cry on was invaluable and, looking back over the past six months and all the treatments and procedures, I can honestly say that I could not have done this without the support of my husband, family and friends.

And now that we're done with IVF, we're looking forward to sharing the experience of my pregnancy and the birth of our daughter(s) with everyone as well.

Oh...yeah.  I know many people will be thinking "Isn't it a bit early to tell people?" but, as Eric and I discussed this morning: This is our journey.  We get to choose who we share it with and when we share it.  Everyone has been there supporting us through all the disappointments.  Why wouldn't we share our good news and excitement with them as well?

Our first OB ultrasound is scheduled for November 17th.  We should know then if we're having more than one daughter.  And if my math is correct, I'm due around July 12th.