On The Eve of our Fourth Anniversary

Dearest Eric --

I'm feeling especially emotional and nostalgic at the moment.  Four year ago today was my last as a bachelorette.  And while we had already been together for over four years and living together for two of those years, I felt the change like none before and it is one that I still cannot quite articulate.  Things changed when we were married.  Things became brighter, more hopeful.

It has been quite the ride, these past four years.

Stresses and successes at work for both of us.  Good days and bad days.  Joys.  Laughter.  Tears.  Sorrows.

Finding out on election day in 2010 that I was pregnant.  Finding out two weeks later that we were having twins.  Our girls arriving eight weeks early and Sonne leaving us after only 109 days. 

Every moment with Morgen.

I cannot imagine a better partner to stand by my side during all of these moments.  I'm so looking forward to our weekend away.  In my mind I'm already there.

Thank you for the everything.

I love you....me.

Sour Grapes

Yes.  I know it's a case of sour grapes, but that doesn't mean I should bottle up these feelings.  I need to acknowledge them in a sort of "open letter" to NPR.

Dear NPR:

I understand that Max Page is a bit of a celebrity after portraying a mini-Darth Vader in a Super Bowl commercial in 2011.  I am also aware that he was born with the same heart defects as my daughter Sonne.  I also know that his corrective surgery (and the 7 procedures since) were successfully completed at Children's Hospital Los Angeles by the same surgeon who operated on Sonne.

What you do not know is that my daughter's surgery was not successful.  She died.  A mere 48 hours after the attempt to correct her defects, we removed her from the heart and lung machine and said goodbye.  She was 109 days old.

You cannot possibly understand how devastating it is for me to hear your coverage of Max's most recent valve replacement.  I heard that he was to undergo the procedure while driving home from work last Wednesday.  I couldn't help but think that had Sonne lived, she would have been having valve replacement surgery around his age.

Last night as I pulled into my driveway I heard the sound byte of Max telling reporters that he was looking forward to having a milk shake.  He was being discharged.  He was going home.  And while I am thrilled that his surgeries have been successful, it is agonizing to listen to this news coverage.  My daughter didn't get to come home.

I think what upsets me the most is that there are countless other families whose children are undergoing procedures such as these who aren't receiving any news coverage.  There are families who have suffered the loss of a child while in the care of the same surgeon.  For us, there is no news coverage.  And had Max Page not been in that commercial, there would be no news coverage for him.  I wouldn't have to hear the sound bytes of his pre and post-op comments to reporters.  I wouldn't have to relive the awful loss of my child -- a child who never learned to speak, but somehow spoke to my very soul.

I know you covered Max's latest procedure as it was a human interest story.  And it had a happy ending, so all the more reason to touch upon it as the news is often dark and dreary.  Please simply understand that there are those of us listening who, try as we might, cannot help but wonder why our child isn't the one talking to reporters and looking forward to having a milk shake.

Thank you...Alison.

The Most Valuable Commodity

Time.  


It seems to pass so quickly these days.  This perception is only heightened by how quickly Morgen is changing.  Every day she seems bigger, more grown-up.  She is learning new things at what seems an alarming pace.  New shades of her personality are coming into view and we only fall in love with her more.


I long to be home with her to be an active part of her daily growth, but that isn't in the cards at this moment in time.


I don't think I fully appreciated the preciousness of time until the girls were born.  I had a sense of it when my father passed away from cancer nearly 14 years ago, but the loss of Sonne intensified this feeling.  I had no idea that time could be so valuable and so fleeting.


Eric is heading back to Toronto tomorrow for almost three weeks.  I hate his absences.  The time passes by in an instant, but I'm so cognizant of him being away.  I know he dreads being gone as well.  I know he misses me, that he aches to be with Morgen.  The two of them have gotten wonderfully close since he came back from his last Toronto trip in late January.  She is going to miss her daddy.  And while we will Skype every day, he knows there will be a set back.  Morgen will go back to her "only mommy will do" phase.  It will be brief, but I know it will be difficult for him.


Eric so loves his baby girl.


I'll make sure to tell Morgen that daily.  I will give her kisses and hugs from her daddy and, hopefully by the time he returns, "dada" will be a firm part of her vocabulary.  Of course, there aren't any firm words in her vocabulary...yet.


Before we know it she will be turning one.  I can only imagine what new things she will be doing by the time her birthday rolls around.  Will she be talking?  Will she be walking?  Will she like taking baths?  Will she be sleeping in her crib?


And then before we know it, Eric and I will be celebrating our 40th birthdays.


40 feels like this ominous number lurking just around the corner.  It's not that I have a problem turning 40.  In many ways it is just a number.  But it is a number with consequences when it comes to whether or not we decide to have more biological children.


Science has shown that a woman's fertility drops off significantly around age 40.


Sigh...


If only we had been ready sooner.  Not just to be parents, but to be in a relationship.  If only we had gotten our acts together 10 years earlier.


Of course, there is no way for us to know how being so much younger would have impacted our relationship or our children.  Morgen very likely would be a completely different baby.  Sonne might have never been conceived.  The stress of trying to get our lives together in so many other ways might have caused a rift between us.  We might not be settled and happy, despite the devastation of losing a child.


And had everything transpired the same with needing IVF, having twins, and losing a child, who knows if we would have weathered such trials in the same manner.


Clearly things happen in their own good time.  Things happen when they are meant to happen -- even if finding "meaning" isn't possible or even rational.


And yet the older I get, the more fleeting time becomes.  In the blink of an eye everything can change and it is up to each of us, as individuals, to determine if that change will be beneficial in the long run.


For now, I will try to stop focussing on time slipping away and instead try to enjoy each moment and treasure it for what it is -- a once in a lifetime opportunity.  A gift.

Pondering

I feel an incredible need to be more focused. Things are getting more and more hectic at every turn and I can't help but think if I could just focus things would be different, better.


I feel so disorganized as of late.  I'm sure part of it is the clutter -- at home and at work.


There are piles of filing in my office that I don't ever seem to have the time to address.  I managed to get everything sorted a while back and now those piles are languishing in file sorters.  They mock me on a daily basis and yet I have no time to get the papers properly filed away.  And, given how packed those accordion files are, I cannot add anything else to them and new files are beginning to grow along the edge of this little room.


At home it's the never ending battle of trying to get things put away.  We've begun throwing things out.  No longer am I holding onto every last thing with the thought that I might one day need it.  Nope.  Things that are broken and have no honest hope of repair -- trash.  Things that are superfluous -- trash.  Things that I just don't like, but have kept because they were a gift -- trash.


But it's not enough.  The clutter is a strange mythological creature.  You cut off one limb, it grows two more in its place.  One area is cleaned and suddenly two others seem exponentially messier.  We start one project only to have it not get completed and have no time available to change this fact.  


Our dog run remains only 20% completed.  Two panels installed with 6 more and a gate to go.  I have no idea when this will change.  It needs to get finished soon.  My garden beds are in upheaval as a result and I'm buying my tomato plants in a little over one week and every time I step outside I'm reminded of the incomplete job.  The hated project that we probably shouldn't have undertaken -- once again biting off more than we could possibly chew, despite the help of friends.  I actually tried to throw money at the project to make it go away (e.g., I offered the job to our gardener, but he's too busy to take on the extra work...damn).  So, in our desire to have a nice lawn for Morgen to play upon, we've created a massive eyesore.


And it's not something I can tackle on my own, so I really should move onto more manageable projects, but I fear that I'll once again start something which I cannot finish and there will be another area of our home which I dread.


Sigh...


In our attempts to make our home a more ideal place to live and raise our child, it's only getting more chaotic and disheveled.


I suppose no good deed goes unpunished.

Feeling Needy

I need to commit to a yoga practice.  The occasional sun salutation and tree pose performed sporadically every few weeks does not count as a yoga practice.  I need the balance and calm that comes from a daily practice.  I need to release of endorphins.  I need the boost in my sex drive.  Even if it's just for ten or fifteen minutes a day.  I *need* this.


And yet, I cannot seem to find the time for this.  Such a tiny fraction of time out of every given day.  Ten minutes out of 1,440 minutes.  We are talking about less than 1% of the day devoted to calming and centering myself so I can be a better and happier person.  A better and happier mother.  A better and happier wife.


Less than 1% of a day dedicated to myself so I can be more fulfilled in connecting with those around me.


Less than 1% of a day to simply...breathe.


I need to clean my house.  I need to get rid of the clutter.  Eric and I have committed to getting rid of 1/3 of all our stuff.  This should be easy.  On any given day I hardly use any of my possessions.  


I own far too  many clothes of which I wear a small and select few items.  The fact that I even own high heeled shoes is ridiculous!  I do not imagine I am *ever* going to wear those mauve, open-toed, sling-back heels ever again in my life.  They match one dress that I may not even own anymore and they are not comfortable.  The thought of wearing them, even for an event if I even still own that dress, is ludicrous!  My bunions scream "Hell NO!"


I used to purge my closet annually.  If I hadn't worn an item in the past year it either went into the trash or to Goodwill.  I fell out of that habit a few years ago.  Last year, while pregnant, I didn't feel the need to do this ritual.  I didn't know what clothes I may be wearing in the months or year to come, so to get rid of things I might wear wasn't logical.  This year the purge will happen.  And I'm sure I can get rid of at least 5% of my clothes and shoes.


I have two massive CD racks.  Each holds close to 1,000 CDs.  After 16 years in the music business, I have amassed a grand music collection (which is certainly far smaller than the collections of most other industry veterans I work alongside). But here's the truth -- I don't listen to the vast majority of this music.  There have to be at least 100 - 200 CDs that are still shrink-wrapped.  What's the point of even owning these?  And yet, I don't want to get rid of them.  Not until I have gone through the collection and incorporated them into my digital music collection.  And even then, do I get rid of the physical product or find a way to store them?


Mind you, the racks are against one wall in the living room which would really have no other purpose, except for possibly hanging artwork.  The wall runs perpendicular to our front door and putting furniture against it would impede entry into our home.  They may not serve a greater purpose, but at least they are neat and orderly.  To me, they are not clutter.  And yet, when the time comes that I do purge this collection, I will likely only keep 10% of the actual CDs.  


I also own a fair number of LPs.  Getting rid of the vinyl is a non-starter.  I'm keeping that collection.


But therein lies part of my problem.  I like my collections.  I like my lunch boxes and Pez machines.  They are arranged atop our kitchen cabinets.  They are not in the way or occupying otherwise useful space.  I like the tangible throwback to childhood in these items.  Yes.  I am an adult who likes her toys.  But do I need them?  They are an easy target in the 33.33% purge process.  They are not needed.  So what's a girl to do?


We do have too much "stuff" for the sake of having "Stuff" and life would be simpler without so much Stuff.  We wouldn't have to constantly be cleaning up Stuff and trying to find homes for Stuff.  We would have things of use and value and logical homes for such things.


Yes.  Life would be simpler.


And perhaps I wouldn't be so stressed about the Stuff.


Perhaps I would be able to find that 1% of my day to deal with the important things.  To tend to my needs. To relax.  To find calm within to allow me to be a petter person.


And I really need to find the calm within.


Breathe...


I really need to commit to a yoga practice.

I Am Not Super Mom

Mothering is not a competition.

I feel the need to state this in a clear, concise manner.  I know this to be the case.  We all, as mothers, as parents, do what we feel is best for our respective children.

And yet I feel like my mothering is being co-opted by another first time mom.  It’s silly really, but I have to mention this.

This other mom and I were speaking the other day.  She asked if Morgen was eating solid foods yet.  I said she was and told her a few of Miss M’s favorites.  I also admitted that she hasn’t had more variety since I’m making her food and haven’t been able to set aside more time to prep more types of food.

This other mom proceeds to call me “Super Mom” and say sheepishly that she’s buying an organic baby food for her little one.  I say that’s totally fine.  We all only have so many hours in the day.

So, later that evening she posts a picture on Facebook of the baby food she made with the caption “Success! Guess who's trying squash for the 1st time tomorrow? My how life has changed...I spend my friday nights making babyfood now.”  I’m glad she received so many “likes” and comments of “ur a good mommy” (I also like how it sounds like this is what she has been doing with her Friday nights for months now).

Should I care?  Not at all, but I can’t help but feel like she felt one-upped by me so now she’s making her son’s baby food.  You have to understand, it was this way during our pregnancies and after the kids were born.  She has actually made a few comments since Sonne’s passing that were really thoughtless and suggested that being a mom of one is harder than I realize since I had twins.  Yes…she basically suggested that if I only ever had Morgen, I would think she was difficult.  (And Morgen is a VERY easy baby, although compared to Sonne she is a needy kiddo.)

Perhaps I’m misreading her photo post.  Perhaps I inspired her.  After all, by her own admission, I’m “Super Mom”!  I’ve survived the death of one of my girls and am carrying on to care for the other.  I’m following through with those things we decided we wanted to do for our children when I was carrying them.  I must be that fantastic! (Yes…I type that with every ounce of sarcasm my fingertips can elicit.)

We are still cloth diapering our daughter.  Most people scoffed at that thought – “Let’s see how long you keep that up – especially with twins.”  We are making her baby food using a steamer and a blender – “You really need one of those baby food makers if you’re going to make enough food for two.”

Mind you, there are days when I cannot even imagine the having energy to care for twins.  Days when I am exhausted from work and an evening of little sleep and I have no choice but to do it all again because Eric is on location.  Those days when I’m just running on empty.  Those days when taking care of Morgen feels like more than I can handle.  I have no idea how single moms handle it all day after day.  I commend them.

And yet, had Sonne survived her surgery, I wouldn’t know any better.  I would be happily exhausted.  I would be cloth diapering my girls and making even more baby food on the weekends to fuel their ever growing little bodies and minds.

Had Sonne survived, perhaps I would accept the moniker of “Super Mom.”

Perception Is Everything

My eyes were opened this weekend and I feel like I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now.

I went to visit a friend in the hospital.  He suffered a head injury a little over two months ago while riding his bike and is on the long, slow road to recovery.

While I was visiting with him and his wife, he had a physical therapy session.  With the aid of a lift, he was able to stand up.  I don't think one truly appreciates the effort it takes to stand up or to hold up one's own head.  The therapists worked with him for a solid five or ten minutes.  By the end he was exhausted.  They helped him back into bed and, though he was a sleep a few minutes later, he did motion to his wife to come close and once within reach, he pulled her to him.  That moment was the best.

The strength and fortitude exhibited by my friend and his wife are inspiring. While I can understand a small piece of their journey (the one dealing with the bullshit between hospitals and insurance companies), I cannot begin to comprehend having to relearn the basics. I cannot comprehend wondering if things will ever get completely back to normal.


I found myself thinking about Morgen and her learning how to sit up, crawl, grasp things, etc.  I even remember her and Sonne learning how to nurse in the NICU.  How much work goes into learning what become simply, everyday tasks which we, as adults take for granted.


I did something to my back last night -- most likely while trying to get the dogs inside during a 2:00am barking fit.  I kicked the dog beds out of the way and pushed the trunk in front of the dog door to keep them inside.  I'm sure in the process I wasn't paying attention and tweaked my back.  As the day has progressed, the tightness has increased and the knots have become more pronounced.  I put on a patch prescribed for pain relief and to reduce inflammation.  I took some ibuprofen. 

I have little to no relief and find it incredibly difficult to move and yet I am so grateful.  I am still able to move.  This pain will subside and I'll be back to full mobility in a few days.  I am lucky.

Yes.  I am a fortunate woman and I am going to try harder to not take the simple things for granted.

Despite the back pain, I'm going to hug my daughter a little tighter, a little longer.  I'm going to throw my arms around her father the moment he gets home on Saturday.  I'm going to tell people that I love and appreciate them more often.  I'm going to strive to always come from a place of gratitude and compassion.

Namaste.

A Numbers Game

Today isn't my best day.  I just have to accept that. 

On the one hand, I had a great weekend celebrating my 39th birthday with my mom and sister.  They flew in to surprise me which was wonderful.  On the other hand, as I tried to fall back to sleep after they left at 5:30 this morning, I felt so lonely. 

I miss Eric.  He'll be home in two weeks.  That time will pass quickly.

I miss Sonne.  I can't bring her back.  I so miss the challenge of taking care of both her and Morgen.  It's gotten to a point now that I cannot really comprehend what having twins would be like now.  That makes me sad.  Just having the one baby is the new normal.  It's has its own challenges, but it isn't the same.  And while Morgen is amazing and taking care of her is so fulfilling, there is still this emptiness.

Something is missing.

I'm trying to stay focused on positive things.  It's hard when I hear so many complaining.

I didn't do well this weekend with not eating refined sugars.  So, my resolve to not eat any for one month has an extra week tacked on for good measure. 

On the upside, I'm making good progress in physical therapy.  The strength in my ankle is almost back to 100% (only a slight weakness through the big toe flexion) and the range of motion is markedly improved, although there is still a ways to go.  Four more weeks of PT recommended.

I need to figure out my budget better.  My expenses were way higher than I planned due to the NICU bills (some of which are still coming in).  I need to figure out how to pay those and how to get money back into savings.

I need to figure out how to take better care of myself so these funks don't throw me for such a curve.  Maybe I just need a good night sleep tonight and all will be right as rain tomorrow.

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to the gym regularly once Eric gets back to town.  I need those couple of hours each week to decompress, focus, and re-energize.

Sigh....I wish I knew what came next so I could get prepared and not feel like everything that's currently bringing me down will be compounded.