4:26am

I can't sleep.  My problem is that I'm a thinker.  I always have been.  Hell, referring to obsessions in the title of this blog probably clued you in.

A thought will get in my head and then it's stuck there until something jars it loose or changes proving said train of thought was wrong, misguided or just not worth the time.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of this thought: Maybe we're just not meant to be parents.

I'm not fishing for folks to say "You are!  You are both loving and nurturing."  I'm simply stating what's in my head because, let's face it, when you try and try and try, it starts to feel that way.

Thursday eight or nine vials of blood were drawn to test me for antibodies that might be causing my body to reject the embryos and also to test to see if I might be making blood clots in the uterus which would prevent implantation.  The lab tech was kind enough to tell me my insurance isn't very good and I might have to pay for these panels myself and they're expensive.  Um...thanks D.  My doctor ordered the tests, so there is a reason for them.  It's not like I'm not going to do them, regardless of what my insurance covers.

Tomorrow it's more lab work and another ultrasound.  The doctor wants me to go back on birth control and then likely try a Lupron protocol again.  A protocol which caused an estrogen spike which cancelled the first IVF cycle we attempted.  I honestly cannot understand why we would go back to that and I asked the doctor.  He said we might do Ganirelix, but he wants to make sure that my ovaries are resting so either way, he'll want me on the birth control again.

Eric spoke to him later on.  Apparently the doctor thinks my reaction to the Lupron the first time was a "fluke."  There are a number of other factors that could have caused the spike and he doesn't think it was that medication, although he didn't elaborate on what any of those other factors may have been.  So much for avoiding them.  Supposedly he understands and appreciates my concern and anxiety about trying that protocol again, but he expressed to Eric that he wants to try this protocol again because he believes we might get a better result.

A better result than what?  Not having the cycle cancelled?  A better result than 15 mature and good looking eggs retrieved with the other protocol?  Or does he think the protocol used to get those 15 eggs caused there to be a problem with them, hence the stalling at day four of development?

I'm no expert on this science.  All I have to go with is what I'm told.  When the first cycle was cancelled, I spoke to the doctor and asked him if there was a better success rate with a particular protocol.  He said there wasn't.  Basically it's six of one, a half dozen of the other.  So I'm not sure what "better result" he was talking about with Eric.

I feel like I'm getting so many conflicting messages right now.  And maybe it's that I'm too close to the situation to be objective, but I think I might completely lose my mind if three weeks from now I go in for blood work after starting a Lupron protocol and the cycle is cancelled again.  The doctor said, "You'll probably hate me if that happens."  And while I don't think I would hate him, that's a bit extreme, I'm not sure that I'll trust him.

And on top of the expensive blood panels that my insurance which "isn't very good" likely won't cover and a protocol that I feel will only end in another cancelled cycle, the doctor feels that we should do genetic testing this time around since none of the embryos developed to the blastocyst stage.  My bad for thinking the two grade B embryos they transferred were at that stage.  And what if the testing show abnormalities in all our embryos?  What then?

Am I getting too far ahead of myself?  Yes.  Am I feeling pretty hopeless at this point?  Sure am.  It so different from how I felt when we decided to go down this path.  I was so sure that this would work and I knew it might not happen the first time, but even if that didn't happen, there would be frozen embryos and it would just be a matter of transferring a couple more.  Even that didn't happen.  And ultimately it all comes down to something my body isn't doing or my eggs being the problem.  So much for no one being to "blame."

And I know that Eric isn't putting the success or failure of this process on me, let's face it.  When it comes to fertility, it's always on the woman.  We try everything.  We read everything.  We're pointed to more resources.  We're put through the hormonal ringer.

Like I said.  I'm a thinker.  It's what I do.  And, lucky for me, it's kept me up for the past three hours.  And even luckier for me, I have a whole two hours before I have to leave to be at the clinic again.