Yesterday was the egg retrieval. We left the house at 6:30am and we home around 10am. By far the worst part was the starting of the IV.
The procedure was incredibly quick and I woke from the anesthesia quickly and easily which is unlike my normal waking from sedation experience. And, despite the Versed they administered moments before wheeling me in for the procedure, I do remember everything.
The embryologist I spoke to was named Jessica.
Dr. Ghadir joked that my socks looked so comfortable that they might have to pass them around and let everyone try them on. I responded that I was okay with that since I would be out anyhow, but that I would likely notice them being stretched out.
There is a hole in the operating table. One's tail bone needs to be just above it.
And I remember the slight tingly feeling as the sedative was administered and them lifting my legs into the rests as I fell asleep.
I also remember Dr. Ghadir coming to see me shortly after I had awakened and saying he didn't see Eric in the lobby. I told him that he was probably on his way back from breakfast. That's when I first learned that they were able to retrieve 15 good looking eggs. Then he departed and said he'd come back once Eric was there.
Moments later Eric was at my side and I told him they got 15. He apologized for not being there when I woke up and I said not to worry about it. Ghadir came back and asked him "How was breakfast?" Eric said it was good and said that I told him they retrieved 15 eggs. Ghadir looked at me and remarked, "You remembered that?" I told him I have an impeccable memory, even on Versed.
We then learned that the plan was to split to eggs into two groups: seven would undergo natural fertilization where the sperm and egg hang out together and do their thing; either would undergo the ICSI process where they directly fertilize each egg with a single sperm cell.
As of this morning, seven eggs from the ICSI process have fertilized. That's it. And it's good news, but I can't help but wonder about the eggs which were in the dish with the sperm. What if one of those were genetically brilliant?
Now we wait until Thursday to see how those lucky seven are developing and, assuming all progresses well, two embryos will be transferred into my uterus on Saturday morning.
Until then, it's lots of various meds to get the aforementioned uterus ready for implantation.
We're getting there. Little by little. Step by step. Zygote by zygote.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Ovary-chiever
I have always been one of those people who try to hard. Always putting in extra hours at work. Always trying to do more in less time. Always going non-stop and feeling like I haven't gotten anything done.
And my ovaries are apparently no different. As of this morning I have 15 follicles dancing on my ovaries (nine of them one the left side alone). They now range from 14 - 22mm. I thought I heard the tech say that one was 29x14mm, but when I sat down with my nurse Maria a while later, I didn't see 29 on the chart. Perhaps I misheard or misread the upside-down chart. Who's to say?
Maria is fairly certain that the doctor will want me to stimulate one more evening, but that decision won't be made until they get back the results of my blood work. If they decide to trigger me tonight, then I'll go in for blood work tomorrow morning and the egg retrieval on Sunday. If they opt to stimulate one more night, then I'll be back in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and more blood work and hopefully we'll trigger that evening which would mean blood work again on Sunday and the egg retrieval on Monday.
Anyway you slice it, I'm going to be a walking pin cushion as a result of these daily blood draws.
And while I'm ready to get on with this, I'm now finding myself with this internal debate: I'm 99% sure my doctor is rarely in the office on the weekends. Given that the retrieval will be on Sunday or Monday, that means the embryo transfer would take place on the following Friday or Saturday, respectively. I think it's reasonable to assume that my doctor will only be present for one of those two procedures and I'm not sure entirely sure if I feel more confident in his retrieving the eggs or transferring the embryos. Of course all the doctors in the practice are capable and one of them would fill in if he doesn't happen to be available on any given day (weekend or otherwise). It's just that I feel comfortable with him. I feel like he understands my particular brand of neurosis with this process.
Oh well. There really isn't anything I can do to change the timeline at this point. It is what it is. Two embryos will be transferred five days after the retrieval, assuming there are mature eggs which fertilize normally. Even if Dr. Ghadir isn't present for one of the procedures, he's been actively monitoring everything this we started this back in May.
At this point I just need to breathe and believe.
And my ovaries are apparently no different. As of this morning I have 15 follicles dancing on my ovaries (nine of them one the left side alone). They now range from 14 - 22mm. I thought I heard the tech say that one was 29x14mm, but when I sat down with my nurse Maria a while later, I didn't see 29 on the chart. Perhaps I misheard or misread the upside-down chart. Who's to say?
Maria is fairly certain that the doctor will want me to stimulate one more evening, but that decision won't be made until they get back the results of my blood work. If they decide to trigger me tonight, then I'll go in for blood work tomorrow morning and the egg retrieval on Sunday. If they opt to stimulate one more night, then I'll be back in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and more blood work and hopefully we'll trigger that evening which would mean blood work again on Sunday and the egg retrieval on Monday.
Anyway you slice it, I'm going to be a walking pin cushion as a result of these daily blood draws.
And while I'm ready to get on with this, I'm now finding myself with this internal debate: I'm 99% sure my doctor is rarely in the office on the weekends. Given that the retrieval will be on Sunday or Monday, that means the embryo transfer would take place on the following Friday or Saturday, respectively. I think it's reasonable to assume that my doctor will only be present for one of those two procedures and I'm not sure entirely sure if I feel more confident in his retrieving the eggs or transferring the embryos. Of course all the doctors in the practice are capable and one of them would fill in if he doesn't happen to be available on any given day (weekend or otherwise). It's just that I feel comfortable with him. I feel like he understands my particular brand of neurosis with this process.
Oh well. There really isn't anything I can do to change the timeline at this point. It is what it is. Two embryos will be transferred five days after the retrieval, assuming there are mature eggs which fertilize normally. Even if Dr. Ghadir isn't present for one of the procedures, he's been actively monitoring everything this we started this back in May.
At this point I just need to breathe and believe.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My Aching Head
As this in vitro process has progressed, I've noticed that I have had a lot of headaches. I'm not prone to them, but clearly they are a side effect of the process.
The first bad headaches, of course, came from the many tears shed at various occasions, whether they were a result of the incredibly acute pain from the HCG test or the IUI attempt being unsuccessful. In those instances, however, the headache was shot lived. I would take some Ibuprofen, go to sleep and wake up feeling like myself again.
Now, however, the headaches are brought on by the ever increasing hormones I'm injecting into my abdomen on a daily basis.
At first the headaches would come on around 4 or 5pm and sitting in a darker room would provide relief. Then, over the weekend, the headaches started closer to noon. I found that a midday nap would help a little bit, but then this morning I woke up with the headache. I didn't realize how sensitive I would be to light until I was driving to the office where I now sit with the blinds drawn and soft light from a lamp illuminating the space around me. I can only assume the increased sensitivity and earlier onset are a result of adding the Ganirelix into the mix. That's the GnRH antagonist which I started administering last night and I'm guessing that combining it with the FSH results in hormonal madness, hence the bad headaches.
Tomorrow I head back in early for more blood work and another ultrasound. I'm crossing my fingers that all my little follicles (13 at the last count) will be ready for for the trigger shot and that the egg retrieval will be on Friday. We shall see.
The first bad headaches, of course, came from the many tears shed at various occasions, whether they were a result of the incredibly acute pain from the HCG test or the IUI attempt being unsuccessful. In those instances, however, the headache was shot lived. I would take some Ibuprofen, go to sleep and wake up feeling like myself again.
Now, however, the headaches are brought on by the ever increasing hormones I'm injecting into my abdomen on a daily basis.
At first the headaches would come on around 4 or 5pm and sitting in a darker room would provide relief. Then, over the weekend, the headaches started closer to noon. I found that a midday nap would help a little bit, but then this morning I woke up with the headache. I didn't realize how sensitive I would be to light until I was driving to the office where I now sit with the blinds drawn and soft light from a lamp illuminating the space around me. I can only assume the increased sensitivity and earlier onset are a result of adding the Ganirelix into the mix. That's the GnRH antagonist which I started administering last night and I'm guessing that combining it with the FSH results in hormonal madness, hence the bad headaches.
Tomorrow I head back in early for more blood work and another ultrasound. I'm crossing my fingers that all my little follicles (13 at the last count) will be ready for for the trigger shot and that the egg retrieval will be on Friday. We shall see.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Stimulating
On Tuesday I went in for an ultrasound and more blood work at 7:30am. I did my best to keep busy at work while waiting for the results of the tests. By 5pm I could barely think straight. I could not help but imagine that my hormone levels were still out of whack and we'd have to wait another month before we tried again. Thankfully, I my imagination proved to be way off.
A few minutes past five, my phone rang. It was the nurse calling to say that all my test results were in and the doctor was very pleased. All my hormone levels look good and my ovaries have 10+ little follicles all ready for stimulation.
So on Wednesday evening it began. Our second IVF cycle, but the first with stimulation.
I was completely freaked out while prepping the first injection. It had been three weeks since the injection lesson, so I kept doubting that I was doing it right. To top it off, the dogs were barking out of control, running in and out of the house, howling and just generally causing me to stress out during the process.
Nevertheless I got the vial loaded into the pen, attached the needle tip, dialed the dose and administered the first injection and WOW! It stung! Mind you, the medication was a bit chilly as it was supposed to be refrigerated prior to use and, while it says to let it get to room temperature before using, I didn't because it was late and I was doing this just before going to bed. I decided I would do better the next time.
So, in anticipation of my second injection last night, I took the medication out of the refrigerator when I got home for work ensuring that it would have a good three hours to warm up 15 degrees. Once again, I gave myself the injection right before bed. It didn't sting as much, but it did still sting.
Whatever. It isn't so bad that I can't handle it.
Tonight is the third FSH injection. I haven't decided if I'm going to try something new to try and avoid the stinging sensation. My guess is that I probably won't.
Tomorrow morning it's back to the RE's office for another ultrasound and more blood work. Hopefully all will be progressing nicely so we can continue onto the egg retrieval sometime in the coming week.
A few minutes past five, my phone rang. It was the nurse calling to say that all my test results were in and the doctor was very pleased. All my hormone levels look good and my ovaries have 10+ little follicles all ready for stimulation.
So on Wednesday evening it began. Our second IVF cycle, but the first with stimulation.
I was completely freaked out while prepping the first injection. It had been three weeks since the injection lesson, so I kept doubting that I was doing it right. To top it off, the dogs were barking out of control, running in and out of the house, howling and just generally causing me to stress out during the process.
Nevertheless I got the vial loaded into the pen, attached the needle tip, dialed the dose and administered the first injection and WOW! It stung! Mind you, the medication was a bit chilly as it was supposed to be refrigerated prior to use and, while it says to let it get to room temperature before using, I didn't because it was late and I was doing this just before going to bed. I decided I would do better the next time.
So, in anticipation of my second injection last night, I took the medication out of the refrigerator when I got home for work ensuring that it would have a good three hours to warm up 15 degrees. Once again, I gave myself the injection right before bed. It didn't sting as much, but it did still sting.
Whatever. It isn't so bad that I can't handle it.
Tonight is the third FSH injection. I haven't decided if I'm going to try something new to try and avoid the stinging sensation. My guess is that I probably won't.
Tomorrow morning it's back to the RE's office for another ultrasound and more blood work. Hopefully all will be progressing nicely so we can continue onto the egg retrieval sometime in the coming week.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Pricked and Probed
Tomorrow morning I go in for more blood work and yet another ultrasound. Once again I'm hoping that my estrogen level will be low and that my ovaries will be resting like good little ovaries.
Of course, I started the day wondering what the hell was going on. I had only taken the Provera for five days, but I woke up with my period. I wasn't expecting that for another week. I called and left a message at the nurses station letting them know the latest and asking if I should be concerned or if this will throw off getting my next IVF cycle started. I know that I wasn't irrational in my message, but I also know that I didn't sound calm.
After waiting 2-1/2 hours for a response, I emailed the doctor. He called me back within 10 minutes. There's nothing to worry about. If I have my period, then this is day one of my new cycle. I can stop taking the Provera and plan to come in on day two or three for testing. He then transfered me to the nurses station so I could get set up with those appointments. I left another message.
About two hours later the nurse called and we set the appointments and she said we'd talk tomorrow once the results were in and the doctor had reviewed them.
So I'm now trying to convince my body to produce little to no estrogen and thinking about researching homeopathic things I get do tonight to ensure the levels don't get too high. I know it's crazy, but it's all I can do.
Maybe I'll lift weights and run after work. Get those endorphins and testosterone flowing, right?
Of course, I started the day wondering what the hell was going on. I had only taken the Provera for five days, but I woke up with my period. I wasn't expecting that for another week. I called and left a message at the nurses station letting them know the latest and asking if I should be concerned or if this will throw off getting my next IVF cycle started. I know that I wasn't irrational in my message, but I also know that I didn't sound calm.
After waiting 2-1/2 hours for a response, I emailed the doctor. He called me back within 10 minutes. There's nothing to worry about. If I have my period, then this is day one of my new cycle. I can stop taking the Provera and plan to come in on day two or three for testing. He then transfered me to the nurses station so I could get set up with those appointments. I left another message.
About two hours later the nurse called and we set the appointments and she said we'd talk tomorrow once the results were in and the doctor had reviewed them.
So I'm now trying to convince my body to produce little to no estrogen and thinking about researching homeopathic things I get do tonight to ensure the levels don't get too high. I know it's crazy, but it's all I can do.
Maybe I'll lift weights and run after work. Get those endorphins and testosterone flowing, right?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Terminated
We've watched all the "Terminator" movies, except for the first, in the past week. Was hearing the word "terminated" so many times supposed to prepare me for our IVF cycle being terminated?
Mind you, they don't say "terminated." They say that they're canceling the cycle, but in my head I keep hearing the terminated.
Anyhow, it turned out that my estrogen level had spiked into the mid-600s. It started at 92. Still, the ultrasound showed that my ovaries have no signs of follicles. I was so baffled and upset Wednesday, that I called my husband, told him what happened, asked him to pick up a prescription for Provera at the pharmacy after his business dinner, and walked out of the office to come home, cry (more) and have a glass of wine.
Eric opted to cancel his dinner and pick up my prescription and a pizza instead. Such a nice guy.
I spoke with the RE on Thursday. Here's what I learned:
1. When the estrogen levels are high, it means they cannot "sync" my cycle which means they cannot control ovulation which they need to do into to retrieve as many eggs as possible to increase the chances of creating viable embryos in the lab;
2. The Provera will cause me to get my next cycle in about two weeks, as opposed to waiting for my hormones to regulate on their own, which could take a while;
3. On the next cycle, we'll use a different protocol which, depending on the baseline blood work and ultrasound of that cycle, would likely mean starting the FSH stimulation shots right away and then adding a GnRH antagonist to prevent premature ovulation;
4. There is no significant difference in the number of follicles produced between the two protocols; and
5. We picked the right RE for this process. He told me not to get discouraged. They see things like this every day and, while he's baffled at how my body has reacted to the Lupron, there are still plenty of options for us. He knows how anxious people are to get started and finished with this process -- especially since most people who are at the clinic have been trying to get pregnant for at least a year.
We have other friends who have successfully gone through this process. In fact, they used a different doctor at this same clinic. I'm fortunate to be able to run things past my girlfriend. She has been so hugely helpful throughout this process -- especially when things don't go as we had hoped. She's been there. In fact, she and her husband spoke and he remembers her having a problem with the Lupron as well.
Yay! I'm not alone!! (And clearly I picked a like-hormoned woman to be one of my closest friends.)
Mind you, they don't say "terminated." They say that they're canceling the cycle, but in my head I keep hearing the terminated.
Anyhow, it turned out that my estrogen level had spiked into the mid-600s. It started at 92. Still, the ultrasound showed that my ovaries have no signs of follicles. I was so baffled and upset Wednesday, that I called my husband, told him what happened, asked him to pick up a prescription for Provera at the pharmacy after his business dinner, and walked out of the office to come home, cry (more) and have a glass of wine.
Eric opted to cancel his dinner and pick up my prescription and a pizza instead. Such a nice guy.
I spoke with the RE on Thursday. Here's what I learned:
1. When the estrogen levels are high, it means they cannot "sync" my cycle which means they cannot control ovulation which they need to do into to retrieve as many eggs as possible to increase the chances of creating viable embryos in the lab;
2. The Provera will cause me to get my next cycle in about two weeks, as opposed to waiting for my hormones to regulate on their own, which could take a while;
3. On the next cycle, we'll use a different protocol which, depending on the baseline blood work and ultrasound of that cycle, would likely mean starting the FSH stimulation shots right away and then adding a GnRH antagonist to prevent premature ovulation;
4. There is no significant difference in the number of follicles produced between the two protocols; and
5. We picked the right RE for this process. He told me not to get discouraged. They see things like this every day and, while he's baffled at how my body has reacted to the Lupron, there are still plenty of options for us. He knows how anxious people are to get started and finished with this process -- especially since most people who are at the clinic have been trying to get pregnant for at least a year.
We have other friends who have successfully gone through this process. In fact, they used a different doctor at this same clinic. I'm fortunate to be able to run things past my girlfriend. She has been so hugely helpful throughout this process -- especially when things don't go as we had hoped. She's been there. In fact, she and her husband spoke and he remembers her having a problem with the Lupron as well.
Yay! I'm not alone!! (And clearly I picked a like-hormoned woman to be one of my closest friends.)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I Am Not A Patient Woman
My day started with a trip to the RE's office in Beverly Hills. This means waking up by 6:30am and being out the door by 6:45am because you never can be too careful with traffic in the City of Angels.
Normally I'm normally just pouring myself a cup of tea at 7:15, but today I was being probed and pricked all in the hopes of everything looking good so we can move onto the next phase in this in vitro process. My appointment was actually set for 7:30, but I arrived early and thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I was in and out in five minutes, but needed to pick up a refill of one of the fertility meds and the pharmacy where I have the prescription didn't open until 8:30am.
So I went to the Roxbury Cafe which is next to the pharmacy to have a bite to eat and kill some time. Try and I might, I was still done and ready to be on my way by 8:05am. I decided to take a leisurely stroll around Beverly Hills. I walked a one mile loop and got to the pharmacy right at 8:30am.
I walked inside and was told they weren't open yet. I apologized and took a seat as I was told. A moment later a woman asked my name and my doctor's name. I gave her all that information and said that I had called for the refill yesterday and was told they would get authorization from the doctor's office. Apparently that never happened.
Deep breath.
A side conversation between the woman at the counter and the pharmacist. They decided to refill the prescription for me. It would be a few minutes.
Phew.
I'm feeling a bit annoyed that the nurse never called to authorize a refill like we discussed on Friday. At the same time, I'm grateful that the pharmacy is refilling the script so I don't have to come back later in the week or have my husband do the pick up for me.
I drive to work and am pleasantly surprised at the ease of the commute. Either I'm going completely against the flow of traffic or everyone is on vacation because it is the morning rush hour.
Now, you would think that the ease of the morning would take the edge off my mood, but it doesn't really. I'm just generally irritated, but I keep reminding myself that it's the hormones.
It's the hormones.
And then someone stopped by my office to ask how I'm doing. I say fine and they ask "Really?" I just look at her. "I just know that you're going through a lot right now." I say that I'm fine, maybe a bit run down, but fine. "Good. Try and get some sleep tonight."
Oh honey. You just don't get it. I'm sleeping fine. Hell, I'm dreaming about pole dancing and how I'm amazing skilled in the art. I mean, seriously skilled -- I can climb, spin, vamp like nobody's business. In my dream I would probably make a nice living as an exotic dancer. My hormones are out of whack and no amount of sleep can fix that or alleviate the exhaustion that comes from just not being balanced.
The hubby said, "We knew this wouldn't be easy" when I told him how I was feeling. Um...hello? I don't imagine it's that difficult for you. I know you're concerned about how I'm feeling and I appreciate your trying to make me feel better, but this is all on my ovaries. They're asleep, but are they really? Am I still producing too much estrogen, despite the massive daily injection of Lupron?
I should be working right now. I have so much on my to do list here, but I can't stop watching the clock. It's now 3:30pm. They must have received the results of the blood work by now. Are my estrogen levels still too high? Have they dropped enough to start stim shots tonight? I so want to get on with this!
I'm tempted to call, but always feel like the nurse is annoyed when I speak to her. When I called after the last blood test, she had said that she was just about to go over my results with the doctor and she'd call me back in about a half hour. It was closer to two hours and it killed me -- especially since the results meant we would have to wait at least a week to start the stim shots.
3:33pm.
3:34pm.
I should just call. Even if I get voice mail, at least it will put me on her radar, right?
Breathe. I need to remember to breathe.
Normally I'm normally just pouring myself a cup of tea at 7:15, but today I was being probed and pricked all in the hopes of everything looking good so we can move onto the next phase in this in vitro process. My appointment was actually set for 7:30, but I arrived early and thankfully I didn't have to wait long. I was in and out in five minutes, but needed to pick up a refill of one of the fertility meds and the pharmacy where I have the prescription didn't open until 8:30am.
So I went to the Roxbury Cafe which is next to the pharmacy to have a bite to eat and kill some time. Try and I might, I was still done and ready to be on my way by 8:05am. I decided to take a leisurely stroll around Beverly Hills. I walked a one mile loop and got to the pharmacy right at 8:30am.
I walked inside and was told they weren't open yet. I apologized and took a seat as I was told. A moment later a woman asked my name and my doctor's name. I gave her all that information and said that I had called for the refill yesterday and was told they would get authorization from the doctor's office. Apparently that never happened.
Deep breath.
A side conversation between the woman at the counter and the pharmacist. They decided to refill the prescription for me. It would be a few minutes.
Phew.
I'm feeling a bit annoyed that the nurse never called to authorize a refill like we discussed on Friday. At the same time, I'm grateful that the pharmacy is refilling the script so I don't have to come back later in the week or have my husband do the pick up for me.
I drive to work and am pleasantly surprised at the ease of the commute. Either I'm going completely against the flow of traffic or everyone is on vacation because it is the morning rush hour.
Now, you would think that the ease of the morning would take the edge off my mood, but it doesn't really. I'm just generally irritated, but I keep reminding myself that it's the hormones.
It's the hormones.
And then someone stopped by my office to ask how I'm doing. I say fine and they ask "Really?" I just look at her. "I just know that you're going through a lot right now." I say that I'm fine, maybe a bit run down, but fine. "Good. Try and get some sleep tonight."
Oh honey. You just don't get it. I'm sleeping fine. Hell, I'm dreaming about pole dancing and how I'm amazing skilled in the art. I mean, seriously skilled -- I can climb, spin, vamp like nobody's business. In my dream I would probably make a nice living as an exotic dancer. My hormones are out of whack and no amount of sleep can fix that or alleviate the exhaustion that comes from just not being balanced.
The hubby said, "We knew this wouldn't be easy" when I told him how I was feeling. Um...hello? I don't imagine it's that difficult for you. I know you're concerned about how I'm feeling and I appreciate your trying to make me feel better, but this is all on my ovaries. They're asleep, but are they really? Am I still producing too much estrogen, despite the massive daily injection of Lupron?
I should be working right now. I have so much on my to do list here, but I can't stop watching the clock. It's now 3:30pm. They must have received the results of the blood work by now. Are my estrogen levels still too high? Have they dropped enough to start stim shots tonight? I so want to get on with this!
I'm tempted to call, but always feel like the nurse is annoyed when I speak to her. When I called after the last blood test, she had said that she was just about to go over my results with the doctor and she'd call me back in about a half hour. It was closer to two hours and it killed me -- especially since the results meant we would have to wait at least a week to start the stim shots.
3:33pm.
3:34pm.
I should just call. Even if I get voice mail, at least it will put me on her radar, right?
Breathe. I need to remember to breathe.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Fluctuating
For the most part, I have been fortunate to not ride the waves of insanity as my hormones keep shifting around due to the whims of pharmecueticals. I survived 4 rounds of Clomid of varying levels without any problems and, up until yesterday I was faring pretty well on the Lupron.
And then yesterday I noticed my patience wearing thin at every turn. It seemed that from the moment I woke up I was irritated.
The dogs jumped on the bed to wake me up (something they do daily) to which I sternly said, "Go see your father."
Hubby and I had to drive by his office on the way to the farmer's market. Traffic was non-existent for Los Angeles, but that didn't mean I wasn't feeling completely impatient in the car.
We stopped at a Starbucks in between his office and the farmer's market. Let's just say the very powdery tasting green tea latte didn't make me smile.
I think I actually made it through the farmer's market without anything actually getting to me. Hubby even bought me an orchid to bring to work. (I of course left it at home this morning and am annoyed at that fact.)
We then sped off to a friend's for brunch. It was filled with fun conversation, delicious crepes and their hopes that hubby's recent post to Facebook of "WOOHOO!!!" meant I was pregnant. Alas, no. We're actually doing in vitro was my response and proceeded to answer her questions about it -- all the while holding her 8-month-old little girl.
We left to head home to tackle a myriad of projects. Hubby had to watch a scene from a movie for work. One scene during which time I washed my car, planted three shrubs, weeded the flower beds, watered in all the plants in the front yard, moved along the laundry (including folding at least one load), emptied the dish washer, etc.
Let's just say, I didn't take well to hubby still being in front of the television and when he commented on the dirt that had apparently found itself a happy home across my forehead and cheek over the course of the previous two hours...I snapped a bit.
I laid in bed last night tired. Tired of trying to get pregnant. Tired of giving myself injections every day. Tired of needing help to get pregnant.
Sigh.
And then I woke up today. I've felt on the verge of tears all day. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing that is actually even bothersome enough to cause me stress, but I'm ready to let the water works burst forth from my eyes.
I went for an hour long walk during my lunch break to clear my head and for a few minutes it worked. The right song was playing and I was able to get into a rhythm. But now I'm back at my desk and needing to go over something with one of the managers that reports to me. I don't want to do it. I don't want to deal with correcting mistakes and I fear it will be riddled with them.
Sigh.
I have two more days of the increased Lupron dosage before I go back in for another ultrasound and blood test. I'm hoping that my estrogen level will be suppressed sufficiently to allow me to start the FSH injections. I don't know how I'll react if I get a call from the nurse saying, "Your levels are still too high to start the stim shots." I could quite possibly lose it and call my husband and say "We're done. The meds aren't working and I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind."
And then yesterday I noticed my patience wearing thin at every turn. It seemed that from the moment I woke up I was irritated.
The dogs jumped on the bed to wake me up (something they do daily) to which I sternly said, "Go see your father."
Hubby and I had to drive by his office on the way to the farmer's market. Traffic was non-existent for Los Angeles, but that didn't mean I wasn't feeling completely impatient in the car.
We stopped at a Starbucks in between his office and the farmer's market. Let's just say the very powdery tasting green tea latte didn't make me smile.
I think I actually made it through the farmer's market without anything actually getting to me. Hubby even bought me an orchid to bring to work. (I of course left it at home this morning and am annoyed at that fact.)
We then sped off to a friend's for brunch. It was filled with fun conversation, delicious crepes and their hopes that hubby's recent post to Facebook of "WOOHOO!!!" meant I was pregnant. Alas, no. We're actually doing in vitro was my response and proceeded to answer her questions about it -- all the while holding her 8-month-old little girl.
We left to head home to tackle a myriad of projects. Hubby had to watch a scene from a movie for work. One scene during which time I washed my car, planted three shrubs, weeded the flower beds, watered in all the plants in the front yard, moved along the laundry (including folding at least one load), emptied the dish washer, etc.
Let's just say, I didn't take well to hubby still being in front of the television and when he commented on the dirt that had apparently found itself a happy home across my forehead and cheek over the course of the previous two hours...I snapped a bit.
I laid in bed last night tired. Tired of trying to get pregnant. Tired of giving myself injections every day. Tired of needing help to get pregnant.
Sigh.
And then I woke up today. I've felt on the verge of tears all day. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing that is actually even bothersome enough to cause me stress, but I'm ready to let the water works burst forth from my eyes.
I went for an hour long walk during my lunch break to clear my head and for a few minutes it worked. The right song was playing and I was able to get into a rhythm. But now I'm back at my desk and needing to go over something with one of the managers that reports to me. I don't want to do it. I don't want to deal with correcting mistakes and I fear it will be riddled with them.
Sigh.
I have two more days of the increased Lupron dosage before I go back in for another ultrasound and blood test. I'm hoping that my estrogen level will be suppressed sufficiently to allow me to start the FSH injections. I don't know how I'll react if I get a call from the nurse saying, "Your levels are still too high to start the stim shots." I could quite possibly lose it and call my husband and say "We're done. The meds aren't working and I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind."
Saturday, August 7, 2010
A Fertile Mind
When I was younger it never occurred to me that I might be not be able to have children. Hell, it never occurred to me that I would even want children. I'm older now (37 to be exact) and for over a year now, I've been trying to get pregnant.
I remember taking my husband out to dinner for his birthday at Shiki Sushi. We were having a nice meal and it suddenly dawned on me that it was time. I needed to get off the pill so we could start trying. As he put a piece of mackerel sushi into his mouth I said, "So. I'm thinking that I'm going to stop taking the pill." Quite frankly, I think I'm lucky that mackerel didn't come out his nose because I had definitely surprised him. I began to tell him about wanting to have kids and being 36 and knowing it might take some time to get the pill out of my system, etc. He asked if he could think about it a bit and I said, "Sure, but my pill runs out at the end of the month and I don't want to refill the prescription."
The next day he called me at work and we were chatting a bit and randomly he said, "Let's do it." "Let's do what?" I asked. "Let's start our family." YAY!!!
If only it were that easy.
I stopped taking the pill and never experienced a blip in my cycle. Sure, that didn't mean I was ovulating, but at least I was still regular.
Then one month my breasts hurt so badly! I was sure I was pregnant. And when I was four days late I was certain of it so I took a pregnancy test.
I wasn't.
Then another month and another went by and then it was out anniversary. At this point I had been tracking my cycle for a few months and using ovulation predictor kits to make sure we had sex during the fertile window.
Once again I was late. I kept thinking it would be so great to find out I was pregnant on our first anniversary. I woke up that morning and I could feel it. The cramps. I was getting my period.
Devastated.
That's when we agreed that if I wasn't pregnant before the holidays we would both get tested.
I wasn't and we didn't get tested...yet.
The new year came and went as did our birthdays. I met with a new OB/GYN who decided to put me on clomid for up to three cycles prior to sending me off to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
During the third cycle with clomid, my husband went off to get tested and the results weren't great. A few weeks later he got retested and we set up a consultation with the RE.
The consult went great. The fertility clinic is one of the best in the country. They boast a 50% success rate and, possibly best of all, they take insurance!
We decide that I'll do one more round of clomid, but this time with IUI (intrauterine insemination) and, while we're getting ready for that, I'll get all my testing done.
All my bloodwork came out fine. My hormone levels are great.
Then I underwent the HSG test. I can't remember what that actually stands for, but the excruciating pain that the test caused me will forever be etched in my memory. What they hope for is a "fill and spill." What they got with me was just fill. So the doctor pushed more of the contrast fluid through the catheter into my uterus and managed to flush open one fallopian tube. He tried on the other side and I yelped. Yes! I literally yelped and he said, "We're done" and then proceeded to tell me that my right tube was blocked.
Great. Two strikes against us.
We agree to still try the IUI procedure since I had already taken the clomid and we would just hope that my follicles developed on the left ovary.
Of course they all developed on the right and that 10% chance of an egg migrating to the opposite tube didn't happen since again I got the old "negative" on the HPT.
Now I'm crying hysterically in bed and saying that I don't think I can take anymore of this. We should just adopt. Maybe we weren't meant to be parents. Maybe we waited too long.
By morning I was feeling a bit more sane and I called the doctor with the news and he tells me that the next time I tell him I'm not pregnant that I'll "be punished." Okay...many people might find that weird, but I laughed. I appreciate that my RE knew me well enough after only a few meetings to know that I need to laugh to take some of the stress out of the process.
We decide to take a month off and just not think about trying to get pregnant. We were going on a two week vacation and we would dive into in vitro when we got back.
And here we are now. A few weeks into our first IVF cycle. I went on the pill on day three of my cycle for two weeks. A week ago I started self-injections with Lupron to further suppress my system. So far I've already had two ultrasounds and two sets of blood work to check my hormone levels. I had hoped to be starting my FSH shots this evening, but unfortunately my estrogen levels were still elevated so I have to wait. I've doubled the dosage of the Lupron injections and have my third ultrasound and blood test scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Fingers are crossed that my levels will be where they need to be so we can take the next step.
Fingers crossed.
I remember taking my husband out to dinner for his birthday at Shiki Sushi. We were having a nice meal and it suddenly dawned on me that it was time. I needed to get off the pill so we could start trying. As he put a piece of mackerel sushi into his mouth I said, "So. I'm thinking that I'm going to stop taking the pill." Quite frankly, I think I'm lucky that mackerel didn't come out his nose because I had definitely surprised him. I began to tell him about wanting to have kids and being 36 and knowing it might take some time to get the pill out of my system, etc. He asked if he could think about it a bit and I said, "Sure, but my pill runs out at the end of the month and I don't want to refill the prescription."
The next day he called me at work and we were chatting a bit and randomly he said, "Let's do it." "Let's do what?" I asked. "Let's start our family." YAY!!!
If only it were that easy.
I stopped taking the pill and never experienced a blip in my cycle. Sure, that didn't mean I was ovulating, but at least I was still regular.
Then one month my breasts hurt so badly! I was sure I was pregnant. And when I was four days late I was certain of it so I took a pregnancy test.
I wasn't.
Then another month and another went by and then it was out anniversary. At this point I had been tracking my cycle for a few months and using ovulation predictor kits to make sure we had sex during the fertile window.
Once again I was late. I kept thinking it would be so great to find out I was pregnant on our first anniversary. I woke up that morning and I could feel it. The cramps. I was getting my period.
Devastated.
That's when we agreed that if I wasn't pregnant before the holidays we would both get tested.
I wasn't and we didn't get tested...yet.
The new year came and went as did our birthdays. I met with a new OB/GYN who decided to put me on clomid for up to three cycles prior to sending me off to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
During the third cycle with clomid, my husband went off to get tested and the results weren't great. A few weeks later he got retested and we set up a consultation with the RE.
The consult went great. The fertility clinic is one of the best in the country. They boast a 50% success rate and, possibly best of all, they take insurance!
We decide that I'll do one more round of clomid, but this time with IUI (intrauterine insemination) and, while we're getting ready for that, I'll get all my testing done.
All my bloodwork came out fine. My hormone levels are great.
Then I underwent the HSG test. I can't remember what that actually stands for, but the excruciating pain that the test caused me will forever be etched in my memory. What they hope for is a "fill and spill." What they got with me was just fill. So the doctor pushed more of the contrast fluid through the catheter into my uterus and managed to flush open one fallopian tube. He tried on the other side and I yelped. Yes! I literally yelped and he said, "We're done" and then proceeded to tell me that my right tube was blocked.
Great. Two strikes against us.
We agree to still try the IUI procedure since I had already taken the clomid and we would just hope that my follicles developed on the left ovary.
Of course they all developed on the right and that 10% chance of an egg migrating to the opposite tube didn't happen since again I got the old "negative" on the HPT.
Now I'm crying hysterically in bed and saying that I don't think I can take anymore of this. We should just adopt. Maybe we weren't meant to be parents. Maybe we waited too long.
By morning I was feeling a bit more sane and I called the doctor with the news and he tells me that the next time I tell him I'm not pregnant that I'll "be punished." Okay...many people might find that weird, but I laughed. I appreciate that my RE knew me well enough after only a few meetings to know that I need to laugh to take some of the stress out of the process.
We decide to take a month off and just not think about trying to get pregnant. We were going on a two week vacation and we would dive into in vitro when we got back.
And here we are now. A few weeks into our first IVF cycle. I went on the pill on day three of my cycle for two weeks. A week ago I started self-injections with Lupron to further suppress my system. So far I've already had two ultrasounds and two sets of blood work to check my hormone levels. I had hoped to be starting my FSH shots this evening, but unfortunately my estrogen levels were still elevated so I have to wait. I've doubled the dosage of the Lupron injections and have my third ultrasound and blood test scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Fingers are crossed that my levels will be where they need to be so we can take the next step.
Fingers crossed.
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