Fluctuating

For the most part, I have been fortunate to not ride the waves of insanity as my hormones keep shifting around due to the whims of pharmecueticals.  I survived 4 rounds of Clomid of varying levels without any problems and, up until yesterday I was faring pretty well on the Lupron.

And then yesterday I noticed my patience wearing thin at every turn.  It seemed that from the moment I woke up I was irritated.

The dogs jumped on the bed to wake me up (something they do daily) to which I sternly said, "Go see your father."

Hubby and I had to drive by his office on the way to the farmer's market.  Traffic was non-existent for Los Angeles, but that didn't mean I wasn't feeling completely impatient in the car.

We stopped at a Starbucks in between his office and the farmer's market.  Let's just say the very powdery tasting green tea latte didn't make me smile.

I think I actually made it through the farmer's market without anything actually getting to me.  Hubby even bought me an orchid to bring to work.  (I of course left it at home this morning and am annoyed at that fact.)

We then sped off to a friend's for brunch.  It was filled with fun conversation, delicious crepes and their hopes that hubby's recent post to Facebook of "WOOHOO!!!" meant I was pregnant.  Alas, no.  We're actually doing in vitro was my response and proceeded to answer her questions about it -- all the while holding her 8-month-old little girl.

We left to head home to tackle a myriad of projects.  Hubby had to watch a scene from a movie for work.  One scene during which time I washed my car, planted three shrubs, weeded the flower beds, watered in all the plants in the front yard, moved along the laundry (including folding at least one load), emptied the dish washer, etc.

Let's just say, I didn't take well to hubby still being in front of the television and when he commented on the dirt that had apparently found itself a happy home across my forehead and cheek over the course of the previous two hours...I snapped a bit.

I laid in bed last night tired. Tired of trying to get pregnant. Tired of giving myself injections every day. Tired of needing help to get pregnant.

Sigh.

And then I woke up today.  I've felt on the verge of tears all day.  There is nothing wrong.  There is nothing that is actually even bothersome enough to cause me stress, but I'm ready to let the water works burst forth from my eyes.

I went for an hour long walk during my lunch break to clear my head and for a few minutes it worked.  The right song was playing and I was able to get into a rhythm.  But now I'm back at my desk and needing to go over something with one of the managers that reports to me.  I don't want to do it.  I don't want to deal with correcting mistakes and I fear it will be riddled with them.

Sigh.

I have two more days of the increased Lupron dosage before I go back in for another ultrasound and blood test.  I'm hoping that my estrogen level will be suppressed sufficiently to allow me to start the FSH injections.  I don't know how I'll react if I get a call from the nurse saying, "Your levels are still too high to start the stim shots."  I could quite possibly lose it and call my husband and say "We're done.  The meds aren't working and I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind."