When I was younger it never occurred to me that I might be not be able to have children. Hell, it never occurred to me that I would even want children. I'm older now (37 to be exact) and for over a year now, I've been trying to get pregnant.
I remember taking my husband out to dinner for his birthday at Shiki Sushi. We were having a nice meal and it suddenly dawned on me that it was time. I needed to get off the pill so we could start trying. As he put a piece of mackerel sushi into his mouth I said, "So. I'm thinking that I'm going to stop taking the pill." Quite frankly, I think I'm lucky that mackerel didn't come out his nose because I had definitely surprised him. I began to tell him about wanting to have kids and being 36 and knowing it might take some time to get the pill out of my system, etc. He asked if he could think about it a bit and I said, "Sure, but my pill runs out at the end of the month and I don't want to refill the prescription."
The next day he called me at work and we were chatting a bit and randomly he said, "Let's do it." "Let's do what?" I asked. "Let's start our family." YAY!!!
If only it were that easy.
I stopped taking the pill and never experienced a blip in my cycle. Sure, that didn't mean I was ovulating, but at least I was still regular.
Then one month my breasts hurt so badly! I was sure I was pregnant. And when I was four days late I was certain of it so I took a pregnancy test.
I wasn't.
Then another month and another went by and then it was out anniversary. At this point I had been tracking my cycle for a few months and using ovulation predictor kits to make sure we had sex during the fertile window.
Once again I was late. I kept thinking it would be so great to find out I was pregnant on our first anniversary. I woke up that morning and I could feel it. The cramps. I was getting my period.
Devastated.
That's when we agreed that if I wasn't pregnant before the holidays we would both get tested.
I wasn't and we didn't get tested...yet.
The new year came and went as did our birthdays. I met with a new OB/GYN who decided to put me on clomid for up to three cycles prior to sending me off to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
During the third cycle with clomid, my husband went off to get tested and the results weren't great. A few weeks later he got retested and we set up a consultation with the RE.
The consult went great. The fertility clinic is one of the best in the country. They boast a 50% success rate and, possibly best of all, they take insurance!
We decide that I'll do one more round of clomid, but this time with IUI (intrauterine insemination) and, while we're getting ready for that, I'll get all my testing done.
All my bloodwork came out fine. My hormone levels are great.
Then I underwent the HSG test. I can't remember what that actually stands for, but the excruciating pain that the test caused me will forever be etched in my memory. What they hope for is a "fill and spill." What they got with me was just fill. So the doctor pushed more of the contrast fluid through the catheter into my uterus and managed to flush open one fallopian tube. He tried on the other side and I yelped. Yes! I literally yelped and he said, "We're done" and then proceeded to tell me that my right tube was blocked.
Great. Two strikes against us.
We agree to still try the IUI procedure since I had already taken the clomid and we would just hope that my follicles developed on the left ovary.
Of course they all developed on the right and that 10% chance of an egg migrating to the opposite tube didn't happen since again I got the old "negative" on the HPT.
Now I'm crying hysterically in bed and saying that I don't think I can take anymore of this. We should just adopt. Maybe we weren't meant to be parents. Maybe we waited too long.
By morning I was feeling a bit more sane and I called the doctor with the news and he tells me that the next time I tell him I'm not pregnant that I'll "be punished." Okay...many people might find that weird, but I laughed. I appreciate that my RE knew me well enough after only a few meetings to know that I need to laugh to take some of the stress out of the process.
We decide to take a month off and just not think about trying to get pregnant. We were going on a two week vacation and we would dive into in vitro when we got back.
And here we are now. A few weeks into our first IVF cycle. I went on the pill on day three of my cycle for two weeks. A week ago I started self-injections with Lupron to further suppress my system. So far I've already had two ultrasounds and two sets of blood work to check my hormone levels. I had hoped to be starting my FSH shots this evening, but unfortunately my estrogen levels were still elevated so I have to wait. I've doubled the dosage of the Lupron injections and have my third ultrasound and blood test scheduled for this coming Wednesday. Fingers are crossed that my levels will be where they need to be so we can take the next step.
Fingers crossed.
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